Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Josh said I could do whatever I wanted with his ashes.   I remember, quite fondly, his saying that I could throw them away if I wanted.  That was Josh.

I have 5 small scattering urns.  Chrissy has 2.  We make a lot of powder.

One of Josh's paper urns

I'm currently in San Francisco which is one of the places that Josh and I went on our honeymoon in 2008.  I brought two of the small urns with me.  We were married on Sept 12.   I made sure I was here on that day.

Josh loved San Francisco.  He told me he wanted us to move here one day.  Here or Germany.  One of the places that Josh took me when we came in 2008 was to John Muir Woods.  I remember walking around for a while and taking pictures.  It was and still is absolutely beautiful and peaceful.

I decided to find a place at Muir Woods National Monument to spread one of his urns.  There were so many people there and you're not allowed to leave the trail that I was having a hard time deciding where I could have a private and secluded moment.

As I was walking, in between Bridge 3 and 4, there is a trail that branches off.   A short way up that trail is a tree called Kent Tree.  It was one of the founders of this area's favorite tree.  The tree had fallen on March 18, 2003.   

The plaque dedication to William Kent

Kent Tree

A slightly different view of Kent Tree

Another view of Kent Tree - I walked around the back

I walked up to the fallen Douglas fir and placed my hand on it.  I knew this is where I should spread his ashes.  One of the people he admired the most and that he called friend is named Kent.  Plus this is one of the founders of the woods and it was so beautiful and poetic.  This was a strong tree that had lived about 350 years and was the tallest tree in the monument, but it had finally come down.  It was just fitting.

I didn't want them to be where people would walk though, it had to be on the other side.   You aren't allowed off the trail though!   I walked around, back and forth a few times.  I took the pictures.  People walked by (not many, it's a steep trail in places) and some asked if I was alright.   Yes, definitely.  Thanks.

I thought, Josh would want me to be "bad" and break the rules.  He'd want me to go off the boardwalk and go to the other side of the tree.  The rule keeper in me justified it and said that I would clean my shoes and not step on the path to spread anything to any other tree, it would be safe.   I thought about it for far too long.   I should just DO!

And so, when no one was coming from either direction, I jumped over the fence and rushed to the other side. I almost started laughing because it really was funny.  It was raining and so I protected the urn the best I could as I pulled it out of my backpack.   I opened the lid, popped the top, told Josh I love him and started pouring.

It was coming out too slow though!  I started to panic!  I pulled out the rest of the inner lid and dumped.   Poof, a cloud flew into my face.  I did laugh this time.   I covered his ashes with dirt as I cried.   A couple came up the path and I don't think they saw me.   I stopped panicking, put everything in my backpack, told Josh that I love him again and walked out. I realized only after I had walked away that I didn't take pictures of the backside, but that's okay.

I moved a short bit away and a family came up and took pictures.  I'm really quite glad I didn't do it out where people would walk on them.  I want them to sit and then when a heavy rain comes, wash down the mountain a bit where they'll mix into the dirt.   Then I want to be able to come back another time and put my hand back on the Kent Tree and say hi.

Broken

What is wrong with me?  Seriously!!!    I keep thinking I need to pick myself up and move forward but instead I take one step out of my sad hole and get sucked back down.   Almost everything about my life is a wreck right now.  I have so many things I need to take care of and I don't have the desire and will to do them.  Nor do I have any desire to let anything help me.  I'm just ... broken.

I can 't even keep up with my memories and I have a lot of them still.

It's been a bit

I've been thinking about a few small things lately.

I have Josh's wallet sitting on my desk at home. In there is the cash he had. I can't take it out because he hated it when anyone would take money from his wallet without telling or asking him first. He just wanted to know what he had in his wallet.

Josh would have a scowl on his face quite often. It took me a while before I learned to stop asking him what was wrong all the time. He wasn't mad about things, he just didn't have the need to jump up and down with joy every second of the day. The exception to that was when I came home from work. Whether Josh was sitting on the porch or was inside the house, he would get a huge smile on his face. I made his day and no matter how bad my day was, to see him get excited, I couldn't help but smile and be happy too.

In the morning when I'd leave for work or if I was just running a quick errand, he'd see me off with a heart made with his hands.

We seldom fought and always apologized to each other no matter what the small argument was about. We were careful and kind to each other. We understood each other's faults and loved the whole package.  I can't replace that. Josh was one of a kind.

A few of his favorite things!

I'm a bit sick today. It reminds me how Josh would drive me to the doctor and take care of me, even if it was not really a big thing. He wanted to take care of me.

My prescription isn't ready and so I went to Einstein Bagel to get some breakfast and then drove over to a parking lot to sit and eat. Josh loved Einstein. Green Chili bagel with jalapeño smear. I bought my spinach, egg and mushroom bagel sandwich but then couldn't help myself and had to buy Josh his favorite. I'll eat it later.

The parking lot I stuck myself in is in front of the Nickelcade. Josh loved this place. I absolutely hated it and wouldn't go. It's so dirty!  He enjoyed playing the games where you'd drop in your coin and a bar pushed the coins forward. He just loved getting tickets. Then he'd give his tickets to a kid or two. Sometimes I'd drop him off while I went somewhere else. Ha Every once in a while I'd go with him. :)

So now I am sitting here, wishing I would have gone with him more often and that we could go right now. Stupid regrets.

Therapy

I went to a counselor tonight. She was different than anyone I'd ever imagine visiting. She's relaxed, chatty and more like you just went to see a great friend. All of that with a concerned and knowledgeable demeanor makes a good session. She's not too "professional" either. Maybe someone could find it a bad thing to have her finish her dinner, go find a paper or answer the phone, but I liked it. It all goes back to visiting a friend rather than a doctor's office.  She's perfect.

I gave her my story. I cried a lot. She told me it's okay to have anxiety, break down and take my Xanax if I need it.  Our goal will be for me to leave my guilt and anxiety on her couch when we are done. I think we have a long way to go.

Peeps

I love Peeps.  Oh you know, those sugar coated marshmallows that's really just sugar on sugar.  

Peeps

I only eat a few each year because I'm well aware of how much I love them and can devour an entire package in one sitting.

Josh also loved Peeps.  He didn't love to eat them, oh no.  He loved to microwave them until they swelled to near the point of popping.  He'd get a huge kick out of it really.   Then he'd just throw them away.   I'd get irritated if he'd take my beloved Peeps from the one package I'd buy myself a year and "waste" them, so I'd buy him his own package to act out his serial killer tendencies on.

I mean a Peep should be enjoyed the right way.   You should start by eating off the eyes, then bite off their head, or tail, whatever tickles your fancy at the time.   After that you can nibble the rest away, slowly.   Or if you're stress eating you just shove five in your mouth in rapid succession and call it good.  This year's package may have disappeared via the stress eating method.

I give in!

I did it!  I made an appointment with a counselor.  Yes, I know, my grief and everything I'm going through is totally normal.  I've read the five or seven or mash-up stages of grief, however you want to phrase that.  blah blah blah blah blah

But I need a person who is totally neutral and detached to talk to and discuss my roller coaster of emotions.  Numb is gone and what I have now is driving me crazy.  My work and health are suffering.  If anything I just want to feel like I'm doing something.

My biggest fear is I'll have a repeat of when I saw a counselor after my mother passed away.  He was awful.  I can always walk away if I need to, right?   All I know is I need to talk to someone who I won't be dragging through the dirt with my emotions.  I have no one I can turn to for that.   Everyone I feel "safe" with either is hurting with me or they have recently gone through their own similar pain. Or I just feel like I'm putting them out by droning on, and crying, all the time.  It doesn't matter how they feel about it; it stresses me out and causes me to clam up and put on my, "I'm great!" face.

This website talks about the 7 Stages of Grief.  I don't think I want this:

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

Birds & love

When I first met Josh he didn't like birds.  His experience with them was limited to parakeet budgies or similar types that were stuck in cages and were not exactly people friendly.   Then he met my Du bird.   She's a Quaker, or Monk, parrot.  They hit it off right from the beginning and Josh immediately loved her.  Well that was until the incident.   You see he asked me, "Does she get on the ground?"  I said she didn't.  Well, she didn't!   But she decided she just had to get on the ground to be with us.  Josh and I were standing near her cage, kissing, and she snuck up behind him.   Josh took a step backwards and stepped on her.   It broke one of her feet.   From then on out Josh was mortified and scared of her.   Du could sense that fear and even though at first she kept trying to go to him, he kept pushing her away and she ended up resenting him.  

Birds are smart.  They are much smarter than any cat or dog you may keep as a pet.   The best and worst part is they remember and they hold grudges.   She grew even more bonded to me even though she had always preferred men (except for the ones who were either mean to her or scared of her) until she didn't want anything to do with Josh.  

No matter what though, Josh always loved her even if he was afraid of hurting her.   The most endearing thing was that Josh would read books to her during the day.   His favorite was to read Dr. Seuss books.  She absolutely loved it.  He would also let her groom his hair and give each other "kisses".   Du does this thing we call "french kisses" where she puts her head back and forth, from cheek to cheek, and makes kissing noises.  

When we adopted Sweetie it was a great treat to have her in the house.   Sweetie was a white and gray cockatiel.   She loved Josh and only tolerated me.   She would cuddle with Josh and Josh adored her.   They made me so happy to see them together.   Josh would read to the two of the birds together.  

A year and a half ago I decided I wanted to adopt a blue & gold macaw that had been abused and neglected by her previous owner.  Her name is Blu.   She only loves me and boy did I have to put up with quite a few hard bites to get there.   Josh made a big mistake when we first brought Blu into the house by yelling at her because she bit him.  She drew blood on Josh and he charged and yelled at her.   If you remember I said they hold grudges.  She never forgave him.   Plus she bonded to me and didn't want anything to do with him while I was there.   When I was at work or away, Blu would play with Josh and they could live together peacefully, but when I was home she would charge him and bite him.

A very dark day happened last year when I was at work.  Josh was in the shower and all of the birds were out of their cages.  Sweetie flew off her cage and into the hallway.   The problem is, the hallway is Blu's territory.   She "guards" the bathroom door whenever anyone is in there.   It didn't take long before Josh heard a scream from Sweetie.   She didn't stand a chance against the big, bad Blu.  :(   It took a very long time for Josh to forgive Blu for that.  I understand birds a lot better and get what happened even though it broke my heart.

I tried to get Josh to get another bird but he refused.  He was so afraid of Blu hurting them.  We only ended up taking in Madi, a Pionus, about 2 months ago because I insisted.  She's the bird of some friends and she needed a place to stay.   I keep all of the birds separated as much as possible.  :)

The great thing is how much Josh loved them all.  Even Blu.   He finally forgave Blu once he watched a video on wild macaws and learned the psychology of them.  He was so excited about the video he had me watch it too.  It is a great video.  He was so sweet with the little ones, especially.   I absolutely loved how he read to them.   I have the Dr. Seuss books in the bedroom and they make me smile.  I am positive the birds have noticed his disappearance from our lives.   He gave them company and love during the day.  He gave good cuddles to Madi (and Sweetie before) at night.  They all played together.  I miss all of that and I'm sure they do too.

When I go to bed at night I want to remember my loved ones who are gone.   Not a day goes by that I don't say good night to them.   Now it goes as follows, "Good night mom.  Good night grandma.  Good night grandpa.  Good night Sweetie.  I love you all....  Good night Josh.  I love you so much."

4 weeks

It's been 4 weeks. :(

Imagine

The past couple of years I knew Josh was not going to live to be old with me. Oh I wished it, but I still tried to mentally prepare myself. Unfortunately no matter how much I tried it didn't work and I'm still completely crushed and am having trouble imagining my future without him.

I know I'll live anywhere from a day to 40+ years from now. Most likely I'll have cancer in my 50s (both parents came down with different forms in their 50s, lucky me) or with the amount of anxiety I have, I'll likely have hypertension or something heart related at some point. Regardless, I had an image of Josh being there to get me through.

When I imagine that number 40 and try to think of being alone for that many years, I hear nothing but screams in my head. I can't fathom the thought of finding someone else and doubt anyone else could put up with my crazy birds. Ha. Josh loved me more than anyone could and I can't replace that.

Parks & Rec

I was sitting in a coffee shop tonight, watching Christine and her new boyfriend cuddle and be totally adorable with each other. Josh would say, "Stop that!" In fact, when I walked in I said, "Knock that off!" to them.  ha   I have to channel him sometimes.  :)

When Josh and I first started dating we couldn't tell people because we worked together.  So we kind of snuck around.  In fact, I didn't even tell my sister at first.  We waiting about a month.  Part of the reason for that was because we wanted to keep it just between us; a kind of awesome secret of our blossoming love for each other that was just ours to keep.   It was adorable.  Of course I was 30 at the time and had no business being crazy like that, but hey, you have to have fun sometimes.   Another bonus to this is it kept us from moving too fast and let us get to know each other a bit more before getting very intimate.

We would go to Smith's Food & Drug (a local grocery store) during lunch and would go to the paper plate aisle.  No one from work would go there, right?  haha   We'd steal a few kisses.  That was our "aisle" ever more.  We'd always comment, "Hey honey, it's the paper plate aisle!"  haha

We also frequented parks after work.  We'd walk around for a couple of hours or just sit on the grass and talk or kiss.   There are many parks in West Valley, Magna, Salt Lake and Sandy that I know very well.  After a month of that we finally decided to tell my sister and let our secret out a bit.  I really wanted to tell her!!  Later on Josh would say, "we went to those parks for a year!!!"   It did seem like an eternity.  I'd have to remind him that it was only a month.  One of our favorite dates later on would be to visit the parks and walk around; especially Big Bear Park in Sandy.  I've driven by there a couple of times this last month and it will never be the same.

Mood swings

I'm still really low. I've either been really sad or angry. I'm so quick to being irritated with people and I don't even want people to be nice to me. I get quickly overwhelmed at work. I wish I could just disappear for a while and not have anyone talk to me.

Fishing & Camping

A memory!

Something that Josh and I hadn't done in a while, that I really wish we would have done more of, was fish.  I absolutely love fishing and Josh actually really loved it too.  His idea of fishing was sitting on the shore, throwing out a line with bait and waiting for a bite.  If a fish bit, great.  If not, that's even better.   See he didn't want to catch a fish, he only wanted to sit on the shore with a line.   He would bend the barbs on the hook so he could either lose the fish or release it.  I'd get a little irritated because I wanted to take the fish home and eat them, but he didn't really like to eat them much.  Oh he loved salmon and halibut, but we were normally fishing for trout.   He always seemed to catch the fish too, then flip -- he'd let them go.  *sigh*  Lucky fish.

There was this lake he would take me to that wasn't in the mountains.  I can't remember what it's called but I remember that there were always tons of people there.  It was a place he'd take Christine when she was little.  We never caught anything there but I remember seeing this guy catch this huge fish and I was so jealous.  How the heck did he do that with so many people fishing the heck out of the place?  ha  Josh really liked it.

I remember one time we were at Mirror Lake and Josh walked off a bit to go smoke.  As soon as he lit up he was attacked by dozens of flies!  haha  They wanted a nicotine hit as well!  It was hilarious.  He quickly finished smoking and as soon as he put it out, the flies disappeared.  The lessons learned were 1) Don't smoke at a lake and 2) If you want to lure flies away from you, light a cigarette as a trap.  We would joke about whenever we'd go fishing or camping.

Speaking of camping, Josh really hated camping but he'd go with me because I enjoy it.  There was one condition: we had to bring an air mattress.  I remember one time we were at a friend's property near Gunnison Lake and we had an air mattress that kept losing the air.  Josh and I zipped our sleeping bags together for warmth.  Now Josh always had a problem with snoring.  Good heavens he could scare away the bears.  Plus he liked to cuddle/spoon.  So here we are with a mattress that has lost air that is pushing us even closer together, he is practically on top of me with me right on the edge of the tent/mattress and his face it directly in my ear, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ.   That was the worst night camping, ever.  I couldn't get out of his lock and was suffocating against the edge of the tent.  lol   From then on out I brought nasal spray with me and forced him to use it before bed.  :)

He would enjoy going to ICF (Inebriated Children's Fund...) too.  It's a yearly camping trip with friends.  Oh we couldn't camp, but we'd go one of the days and hang out, get drunk (okay, Josh would get drunk and I'd get tipsy, then sober up to drive home.  ha).   We didn't go this last year because Josh was sick, but we went most years.  I remember one year the trip was up this one canyon that had a dirt road that was barely wide enough for 1.5 cars.  I was driving and nearly didn't make it up (or down).  I pulled over at one turnabout and had to shake for 5 minutes until I could get the courage to keep going.  I remember Josh saying that we could go back down but I thought that was silly seeing as we'd already gone half way up anyway.   That was the worst canyon ever.   The worst, worst was when another car was coming the other direction and you had to figure out a place to go side-by-side.   Who would think this was a good idea??  lol  I am definitely not the bravest person when it comes to that.  Josh's way of making things better?   "Think of it this way.  We wouldn't live long if we fell, no long term suffering."   That does not make me feel better!!!   Thankfully it was worth it once we made it to the top.  :)   Going back down was another story...but it did seem faster.  The crazy thing was the side of the road that you had the sheer cliff on kept switching so neither way was better than the other.  Gah!

Those were good times.  :)

I can't do it

I've had a really hard time the last few days. I have things to say on here but I can't get myself to sit down and do it. I went back to work last week and it was both good and bad for me. Good to get out of the house and concentrate on other things but bad because people kept reminding me about what happened. I know people care and that's fine. It's both good and bad to hear people say they are sorry. Plus the added stress of work didn't help too much. I'm glad I did it, but I wish I didn't have a pressing work deadline that's forcing me to need to be there much more than I want or really think I can give. :(

:(

I miss him

The lawn, the lawn, the lawn is on fire!

A few years ago Josh and I were in the backyard.  I was working on our vegetable garden and Josh was burning wood.  We had a surplus of wood from a tree that had been taken down and he wanted to burn some of it.  Why?  I am not sure.  He loved to burn things.  :)

I wasn't paying much attention because I had my headphones on.  At one point I glanced over to see how things were going and I noticed that my lawn was on fire!   Two patches about a 2 meters in diameter each.   I look up and could see that Josh has a gallon of gasoline and he is throwing gas on to the fire pit.   He had accidentally splashed gas on the grass and then somehow it had caught fire as well.

I screamed out to him but he couldn't hear me because he too had headphones on.   I threw everything down on the ground and ran across the yard waving my arms.  He turned around and saw the fire.  I'm laughing and screaming "fire fire!" to him at the same time.  He throws everything down, including the gas can (ha!) and grabs the hose to put the fire out.  I yelled at him to take the gas can away from the fire pit, now!!  lol  I was still laughing though.  It was awesome.   But I was also very, very angry.  I now had two black spots on my green grass.   Why gasoline?  Again, no idea.   I told him we would burn the wood like normal human beings, at night, with no gasoline, while roasting marshmallows.

It reminds me of a story when he and his two brothers were young.  They were living in San Francisco.  One day one of his brothers (I can't remember which one now) set a field on fire.  Of course I don't think Josh or his other brother did anything to stop it, and the deed was done.  A field was burning and the boys were in trouble.  It was an ongoing joke to tease Josh and say he was the one who started the field on fire.   He always got so angry whenever his mother or anyone would say something to him.   We were all teasing him because it was quite fun to watch him get defensive.  "It was not me!"   Oh but Josh, the lawn...that was you.  :)

Everything's fine!

About a year and a half ago, maybe 2 years, I was in the office doing something.  Work?  Playing a game.  Not sure.  Anyway I heard a huge crash.  I yelled out, "Is everything okay?"   Josh replied after a couple of seconds, "Everything's fine!"

I sat there for a moment and could hear him tinkering around and decided to go out and investigate.  What I see is blood dripped from Josh's arm as he's standing over our shattered glass top kitchen table.

I exclaimed, "Everything is NOT fine!   Don't ever tell me it's 'fine' when things are obviously not!"

Josh got mad at me because he thought I was more concerned about the table instead of his well being.  No, I was definitely concerned about him, but I was also mad at him because that was not the appropriate answer when you've fallen on and broken a kitchen table and you're now bleeding all over.

Turns out there was a bag on the floor by the table and Josh had gotten his ankle wrapped in the handle and then fell right on top of the table.   He was fine, the cuts were superficial.  The table, unfortunately, was not fine.

There will be hard days

I've worked for two days this week and it's been good to be there.  It has been helping even though today was a hard day.  I realized I have been on short temper today though.  Yesterday I was really calm and nice, but today I have been picking battles with people.  Although I have been sticking up for people when it's needed.  Nobody steps all over my co-workers and friends!

People have been overly nice to me the last two days as well.  It's sweet of them, for sure.  One of my co-workers, Marc, gave me a loaf of pecan bread that is amazingly delicious and two small jars of flavored honey, elderberry honey and blackberry honey.  I shared some of the bread and honey then took the rest home to snack on.  Hmmm mmmm.  He also gave me a card that almost put me into tears...almost.

When I was getting ready to leave for home it hit me that I didn't have Josh to text to say I was on my way home.  My sister texted me earlier today as well to say she loved me and I remembered that I couldn't text Josh to tell him I love him.  I pushed down my tears and concentrated on other things to make it through.

When I arrived at home, I found that I had received my first hospital bill for Josh today.  Do they have any idea how hard that is on people?  Oh ya, that's right.  They don't care.  It's all for profit, whether you live or die.  I then opened up a card from one of his relatives that lives in Texas.  That was enough to put me into cry mode.  The stress of the day and then coming home to no Josh and the mail did me in.  It was somewhat funny because I was crying and stomping around the house, opening the packages I received today like they had done me wrong.   That tape never saw it coming.

Now Blu is sitting on my lap and wondering how she can turn me away from crying and typing to paying attention to her.  She's so thoughtful.

Never drink while on business

In 2005 (I'm pretty sure that was the year) we were in Florida and went down to the hotel bar for "a drink".  I stupidly thought I would order a double shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey and Josh did the same.  We then ordered another...and another...and oh my...another.

I've never been able to drink like that without either being incredibly sick that night or horrifyingly hung over the next day.  That night my body decided to go with option 2.

Did I mention this was a business trip?

We both went back to our hotel rooms and I remember thinking how incredibly moronic that was.  That was 8 shots of whiskey in a very short period of time, on an empty stomach.   I fell asleep a short time later.

In the morning I remember being so sick I could hardly move.  Josh brought me a coffee and a bagel but I couldn't look at them.  We drove to the office we were visiting and while we were walking across the parking lot I lost everything I had eaten or drunk from the night before.   Josh held my hair!!!    Isn't that nice?   haha   I'm in the bushes in the middle of a parking lot on the first day to meet remote co-workers and he's holding my hair.

I composed myself and when we were inside he told everyone that I had eaten something bad the night before.   Thank you Josh for saving me from having to say what we really did.

That evening it was sad because we went to a really nice restaurant and I was able to nibble on a little bit of Josh's and Joel's meals (oh ya, there were three of us on this trip ha) but there was no way I could eat a full meal.  I remember Josh got Orange Duck.  We were at a French restaurant.  I wish I could remember the name.  It was quite tasty.

Josh took care of me the entire day; he brought me water and medicine.  This experience made it so I will NEVER do that again on a business trip.   I think I was just being really stupid.  ;O)  But it was a fun evening.

Josh always took care of me though.  When I was sick, he would stay home from work to take care of me.  If I needed something he was right there to make sure it was done.  When my mother passed away in 2006 and then my grandparents in 2014, he was there to take care of the little things and be my strength when I needed it.

Food

Josh's favorite foods were BBQ and Mexican.  If he wasn't in the mood to go out to eat I knew if I dangled a BBQ place in front of him we'd be out in no time!

One of his favorite places was Q4U BBQ.  I loved them too.  Why did they ever have to close down?  Pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw on top was something he made me love as well.  I have always loved the sandwich but I had never tried it with the slaw directly on the sandwich before.  It's brilliant!  We both preferred vinegar based coleslaw as well, but in a pinch we'd accept the mayo based.  He would also get beef brisket often which is one of my favorites too.  Hmmm mmm good.

When we'd go out for Mexican he usually picked a combination platter so he could have a little of everything.  Or he'd go for a chili verde smothered bean burrito.  He also used to love making "Connie's Burritos".   They were his mom's recipe of delicious burritos with steak, chili beans and cheese.

He tried to get all of his mom's recipes that he could.   One of the favorites was what we called chicken, mushroom & swiss bready things.  What else do you call it?   It's an original but never turned out quite as good as his mom would make them.  Still, we did get them fairly close.  This was also an excuse to use Worcestershire sauce which is a staple in our house.

He loved his mother's fudge and would joke around with her that she had to make it all the time.  She makes real fudge; the good stuff.  I tried to make it once and failed miserably.  haha  I've never been good at making candies.  I can bake and cook, but candies are above me.   That's a good thing!  That meant we could get the fudge as a treat too.  One time she gave us fudge and Josh gave me one small piece and ate the rest.  I had no idea what had happened to it.   He just wiped it out.

One fun thing Josh would make sometimes was an "Egyptian Eye".  He'd take a piece of bread and cut a circle in the middle.  Put that in a frying pan and crack an egg in the middle.   Cook the egg, flip it until the egg is over-medium.  It was good.  He usually only made it for Christine but I talked him into making it for me sometimes.

Josh was lactose intolerant and could only have a small amount of milk.  He was drinking soy milk for a while until I asked him why he didn't try Lactaid.  It's the cow milk that has the lactose removed from it.  He agreed to try it and it was like he had gone to Disneyland (oh ya, he hated Disneyland... ha).  He immediately bought a bottle of Hershey's syrup and drank chocolate milk every day, multiple times per day for a while.  I tried it and it's milk, but for someone who had been drinking soy milk and not liking it for so long, I can imagine how wonderful that would be.

I have so many great memories of Josh and his favorites for food and drinks.  Earl Gray tea, ice tea, garlic burgers, club sandwiches, hefeweizen beer, super nachos, Thin Mint cookies, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Twizzler Nibs, meatball sandwiches, Philly cheesesteak, top sirloin steak, peas and mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and many more.  I'm forever going to be reminded of him every time I see a menu or go to a grocery store as most of his favorites are also mine.

Life is a game

My current game of choice is called Path of Exile or PoE.  Josh tried to play it with me but it wasn't his style.  He also played Diablo 3 and World of Warcraft with me (when I played them) for a bit but he didn't really love them either.

After Josh passed I created a character in PoE called Deathturtle_the_Great.  Josh's online persona was Deathturtle.  When he played PoE his character's name was Deathturtle so I couldn't use that.  DT the Great is a melee character that smashes!  That is what Josh liked.  I've played it a couple of times and enjoy thinking of Josh being there, hitting everything in his path.

The types of games he played were first person shooters or games like Grand Theft Auto.  Whenever a new GTA would come out I would "lose" him for a couple of weeks while he played the crap out of it.

He loved Portal.  I played that as well, but could not finish the game.  I still have a fondness for the Companion Cube.

Then there were the Resident Evil games.  I also attempted to play one of them but couldn't get past the first major battle.  It was the same as GTA, I'd lose him for a bit while he played the games.  haha   It was fine.  I actually would watch him play; it was pretty fun.

His favorites were Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead.   He'd get so mad at people who wouldn't play as a team and would leave others behind that he would yell at them and call them names.  haha  He could trash talk with the best.  I used to go to him for good 'comebacks' because I really can't think of things to say to people that don't have the words, "Oh ya?  Well...so do you!" in them.  I tried TF2 once...I am not a first person shooter type of gamer, that's for sure.  ;O)

Then of course there was always Rock Band.  He loved to sing even though he was tone deaf.  I still loved to hear it.  He couldn't play the instruments very well so I'd play drums or guitar while he sang and then turn off the instrument while I sang.  He just loved singing some of his favorite songs with the game.  Sometimes he'd just ask me to sing some songs because he wanted to hear my voice.

My favorite game he played was online Poker on his phone.  Not the kind for real money, of course.  He would come in and say, "Okay, honey.  We are up to 1.5 million now.  I was up to 2 million, but I lost some money.  I'm on my way back up."   We'd make jokes about what we're going to do with his gambling money.  lol

One nice thing about Josh is he understood my need to let out my stress by killing monsters and zombies in my games.  I'd have a bad day at work and he'd say, "Go kill something for a bit."  It is nice to check out and go on a killing spree in a game.  I think it keeps you from going on one in real life.  :)

Drive me crazy

As I was driving to the coffee shop today I was reminded of the times that Josh and I would drive there on Saturday evenings to see Christine sing at Open Mic.

First off, Josh hated driving, which is fine seeing as he was a terrible driver.  But when I'd drive he would continually "back seat drive" and tell me which way to go, where to turn, etc.  Except if I was making a mistake.  For some reason if I was actually going the WRONG way he'd clam up and let me do it.  Then when I'd realize I did something wrong he'd say something like, "I noticed but I wasn't going to say anything because you always get mad at me."  So frustrating!  haha  I want you to help me if I'm getting on the freeway because I'm in auto-mode to drive to work when I'm supposed to drive straight down the street to go to the coffee shop (as an example)!   There were a couple of times we'd have to drive an exit down and turn around.

Today as I was driving I got into the lane to get on the freeway, laughed, and switched out.

He loved seeing Christine play her piano and sing.  I was really sad when he started getting more isolated and depressed in the last year or so and didn't want to go out anymore.  That didn't diminish his love and pride in his daughter.  She has the voice and talent of an angel.  You could see the love in Josh's eyes whenever he spoke about her.

It was peaceful to be there today, even without him.  I could see Josh watching her sing with tears in his eyes and it brought me joy.

Books

We used to go to a bookstore once a week and meet with friends. I think it was a Barnes & Noble.  The one across the street from Fashion Place Mall in Murray.  We would go to talk, drink late night tea or coffee, then sometimes go to eat at Applebee's or Village Inn.  I don't remember why we stopped going. I know the group started to fall apart, with people moving away, but I don't fully recall. I just know that we had a good time going.

Josh always loved bookstores.  We would stop by just to look through the comic books (eh hem...graphic novels...) or to spend 30+ minutes staring at the discount book shelves.  We had a great time with the discount books and even purchased a couple.

He always loved books that were gritty, post-apocalyptic, anti-war, etc.  An example of one of his favorite books, that he read multiple times, is Johnny Got His Gun.  In fact, that was the book he was last reading.   I couldn't bring myself to read it.  He said there was a scene in it that would scar me.  I think I'll read it anyway.   It is well loved and falling apart.

He also loved American Psycho.   I remember when we flew to Florida that he was reading the novel.  He had a fascination with the psychology behind serial killers.   You could ask him about any serial killer and he could give you details about them.  Kind of creepy, eh?  I love it.   I don't think I could read that book because it would give me nightmares!  (Speaking of nightmares, watch the movie "Last Horror Movie".  You will never sleep again, and I don't get scared with movies!  I'm so glad I had Josh there to keep me from blockading myself in a corner with every weapon I could find.)

He absolutely loved William S. Burroughs.  He especially loved Naked Lunch.  I saw the movie adaptation of that book a couple of times with Josh.  Weird... but fascinating.

Another favorite of his was Kurt Vonnegut.   We have a bunch of his books on the shelves.  I read one of them.  I can't remember which one, but I remember I liked it.  There are so many!

David Sedaris was someone we both adored. We saw David once when he came to Salt Lake.  He's such a funny man.  We have David on audio book, written book, etc.   Whenever David came out with a new book I'd buy it for Josh.

While I'm thinking about it, Utah Phillips.  I know that Utah was not an author, but he was an inspirational musician, anarchist and labor organizer.  Josh admired Utah and in 2007 we were able to see him in concert.  That was a year before his passing.  Josh was so happy to have shared Utah's talents, story telling and music with me.  I am really happy he did so as well.  I loved anything that Josh loved.  Well except for some of his punk music.  Some of that stuff hurt my ears, but I still listened.  Grudgingly.  ;O)

Museums, Aquariums & Zoos

Josh loved science museums.  When we went on our honeymoon he took me to the San Francisco Exploratorium.  He was so excited to share something that he had loved as a child with me.  They have hands-on science activities for you to play with and explore.   I remember he was giddy the entire time.

When we went to Denver in 2009, he had us go to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  Again, he was all over every activity with so much excitement it was easy for me to feel his energy.  

We've been to aquariums (Monterey Bay, Downtown Aquarium in Denver and the Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy, UT) which were another thing he absolutely enjoyed.   He loved the fish and turtles.  :)   I love the sharks.  Oh and penguins.  haha  Who doesn't love penguins?

The thing he hated?   Zoos.  100% pure hatred towards zoos.  He felt that we shouldn't keep animals caged and that zoos were not the right place for them.   Sanctuaries were cool in his book, but zoos were evil.   Although he always wanted to give more money to the Hogle Zoo here in Salt Lake City because he wanted to give the animals better enclosures.  If we were going to keep them, we might as well make it as good as we could.  He also hated animals such as Dolphins and Whales being kept in captivity.

I remember when we went to Denver I wanted to go to the Denver Zoo really bad.  Josh did not.  I threw a fit until he agreed to go.  We all went (Christine was with us).   We were only there for a couple of hours before he finally said that he would not go another step further and we were leaving.  haha  I was really disappointed but at least I got to see a bit of it.

Panic Attacks

After my mother passed away I started having panic attacks.  They all centered around my dying.  Lovely.  Or I'd think about other people dying who were close to me and then I'd focus on death and panic and gah.

After my grandparents passed away I was fine.  No panic attacks.  A lot of that was because I had Josh helping out and he was so incredibly supportive.  He didn't leave me alone.  :)  My sister was also there to help out quite a bit.   I was anxious, just no panic.

Before today, with Josh, I've been fine.   This morning I woke up at 4:14 a.m. and had a small attack, but quickly relaxed.  I fell back to sleep.   I took my dad to the airport at 6:30 and when I came home at about 7:30 a.m. I had a full blown, kick me down panic attack.  My chest was hot, then my face, my heart was pounding, I was extremely light headed, I had a feeling of dread, I just KNEW I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke right then and there, but no Melissa, it's just a panic attack, but what if it isn't, oh my God I have to get out of this house, I have to talk to my sister, TEXT HER NOW!!!   WHY????  I paced in the front yard like a crazy person until Amber called me.  It was cold.

Anyway, after I woke Amber up and chatted with her for a little bit, I calmed down, I did not die, everything is fine.  I took a nap and I'm good now.  

I went to the funeral home today to have them help me with making those "important" phone calls.  They also gave me helpful advice.   They gave me a card with information about their bereavement services.  They have counselor led meetings a couple times a week you can go to and talk to other people who are going through the same thing.   I'm going to do it.   I didn't do it with my grandparents as I really didn't need it, but this time, I definitely need help.

Taco Bell Green Bean Burritos

Taco Bell used to have a "green bean burrito".  It was just a regular bean burrito but it had green sauce instead of red.  It wasn't on the regular menu here in Utah, but you could order it anyway.  When I was first getting to know Josh (way before dating) we went to Taco Bell (with some other people too) and we both ordered bean burritos with green sauce.  Something as simple as that made me like him just a little more.  He knew about the green bean burritos!  

When we first started dating he was pretty broke, so I was paying for all of our dates.  One day he said, "Let's go to Taco Bell.  I'll buy this time."   We laughed and agreed it would be fun to have him buy.  When we got there we ordered our usual favorite and then when Josh went to grab his wallet he had left it at home.  I remember how embarrassed he was because this time he was supposed to pay.   

It was an ongoing joke for us whenever we'd go to Taco Bell he would say, "Let me get this one" and would pay for it.  Sometimes we'd go out to eat to other places and at the end he'd say, "Ohhhh, sorry, I left my wallet at home..." and I'd reply, "It's okay, we're not at Taco Bell" or "I guess we'd better run for it!"

When Taco Bell stopped carrying the green sauce for their burritos we were both sad.  You can order a regular bean burrito and add your own Verde salsa to it, but it's not the same.  It's the little things you share that can mean a lot to you.

Men, am I right?

I feel better today.  Not great, but better.  It was nice today.  I had my good friend, Cinda, visit for a couple of hours this afternoon, before she flew home to California.  We ate at Tin Roof which was one of Josh's and my favorite places.  After that my dad came over and we hung out for a couple of hours and then had a quick dinner.  I drove him back to his hotel because I've been letting him borrow my extra car and he is flying home tomorrow morning.   I also saw my mother & father-in-laws for a little bit.  It was all really pleasant.

I've been talking to people about little memories of Josh.  As an example, last summer Josh and I went to Sonic to get shakes.  He really wanted a chocolate malt.  When it came out it was just a vanilla shake with a little bit of chocolate syrup and malt in there.  It really tasted like a vanilla shake.   He was so disappointed.  That man wanted a chocolate malt!  I told him we would go to Iceberg and get a real chocolate malt but he was irritated and didn't want anything.  Men, am I right?*   I told him I'd get him one another day then.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: my sister and I were out and she wanted to go to Iceberg.  Perfect!  I bought Josh a MINI chocolate malt.  Anyone who has ever been there knows that a mini malt or shake from Iceberg is huge.  haha  I brought it home and he was so very happy.   He ate half of it, put the rest in the freezer.  He saved the rest for me.  :)

* Josh used to say to me, all the time, "Women, am I right?"  lol

Today's feelings

Yesterday I was happy and content.  Today I am sad and crying.  I think that now the main work for the celebration is over, it's all crashing back in again.  I don't have any major tasks to accomplish other than house things and I don't have the desire to do them right now.

I don't want to see anyone. I barely want to talk to people.  I did just eat something but only because I have to.  I just want to sleep.

Match & eharmony

Josh and I used to joke around that we had profiles on Match and eharmony but that we kept getting matched up with each other.  I hate seeing their commercials now.

Celebration of Life

I woke up this morning feeling peace and happiness.  I stayed in bed for a couple of hours and relaxed; played on the internet.

I finally pulled myself out of bed and got ready for my first task of the day: music.  I realized my CD burner in my computer wasn't working and I needed music for tonight.  My first stop was at Graywhale.  I didn't exactly find what I needed, but I did find a couple of CDs that Josh would have loved.   Only one CD would have been suitable for public listening.  Let's see, Butthole Surfers, Agnostic Front and Social Distortion.   I love Social D, but the other two are not exactly my kind of music.  Josh would listen to a lot of punk and I would only tolerate it.  I'll listen to them for him.  :)  I've sampled both CDs and so far I'll listen to them on special occasions.  haha

Unfortunately the Social D CD was not the one I wanted and so I headed off to Walmart (it was the closest store, but I could hear Josh rolling his eyes at the thought) to look for more.  While I was looking through their selection I suddenly had a thought to call the mortuary and ask them if their music system could just have an MP3 player attached.  Hurrah, they can!   I went home with two more CDs - Johnny Cash 16 Biggest Hits (for tonight) and the Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 1 (for me).

I didn't mind the music trip because I had a fun time music shopping.  Plus one of Josh's favorite songs was Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum and I was able to get that from the Awesome Mix CD.

I drove home and made a playlist on my iPod Nano of Johnny Cash, Social Distortion Greatest Hits (a CD I already had), Spirit in the Sky and Flogging Molly's CD Drunken Lullabies.  I also put together everything I'd need to the celebration.  I then sat down to wait...

My dad arrived and I anxiously needed to do something so we drove to Taco Bell to grab some food and brought it back to my house to eat.   Then I sat down to wait... it was 3 p.m. and we didn't have to be there until 5 p.m.

At 3:30 I snapped and said I had to go.   So we drove to the mortuary and set up.  At 4:15 all was complete for our part so then it was just another sit down and wait...  ha!  I forgot my cell phones!  I left them in my other purse and my wonderful sister had to pick them up for me.

Thankfully some people started showing up around 5:10 and then more and more people.  So many people came tonight!  Most people were friends and family who knew both of us, some only knew Josh, others only me; but all that mattered was that there was a large turnout to support me, my family and celebrate my wonderful husband.  I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for that.

My friends from Alorica (Josh worked there too), my friends from IHC (they were there when we married), and my friends from HCA came.  I am so awed by that.  Those are my current job and my last two jobs.   Wow.

I was happy and strong the entire time, until near the end.  It was very overwhelming.  I started to get anxious and close to tears a few times.  I gathered as many hugs as possible from people.

The best part of the evening was the Zombie cake, made by the great and wonderful Michelle.

Seriously...

I love it.

We also had tacos and three other cakes that Michelle made (chocolate w/ peanut butter icing, vanilla w/ vanilla icing, and red velvet w/ cream cheese icing).  Hmmm mmmmm..  

I went home and put everything away.  I pulled out the cards that people brought and read through them.  I finally allowed myself to let out a good cleansing cry, wiped my eyes and remembered I'm wearing makeup.  Fudge pickles.  At least I waited until I was home for that mess.  *sigh*

Questions

I work at the hospital where Josh passed away.  How am I ever going to step foot in there again?  How will I go to the second floor?  How will I look at the CCU doors?  How will I walk past the waiting room?  How will I ever look anyone who cared for him in the eyes again?

One week ago

I am sitting on the couch for the first time in a week, watching the nightly TV shows we would watch together.  It's weird to look over and have the rest of the couch be empty.  I laughed at the shows and thought Josh would have loved to laugh too.

The last week of January is when Josh started to get sick again.  I asked him to go to the hospital at that time and he refused.  He wasn't too bad, just...getting there.

Over the next couple of weeks I watched him slide downhill.  I knew I couldn't force him to go to the hospital or see a doctor.  He didn't want to go this time.  He hated doctors and hated the hospital even more. I knew it was his liver again and he didn't want to accept it.   He felt that if he just rested, drank lots of water/Gatorade and gave it some time that he would get better on his own.   Plus I think that he just wanted to hold out as long as possible before having to go through the hell of another hospital visit.

On Saturday, February 14, I woke up and knew I had to convince Josh to go to the hospital.   His ammonia levels were obviously getting high and he was getting more and more incoherent. I argued with him, cried when he said he wouldn't go and ran to our bedroom to pout and regroup.   After a couple of minutes he called out my name and I came back, still angry with him.  He said he would go.  I was so happy and relieved.

He walked into the hospital ER, just like any other time, but within just a couple of hours he was suddenly worse than I had ever seen him before.  His lab work was terrifying, he was mostly unresponsive and he looked horrible.  The staff was surprised that he had actually walked into the hospital on his own with how bad he was.

The next day (Sunday), he was better.  Still not terrific, but better.   The doctor warned me that he was really bad and his prognosis wasn't great, but he still had a chance.

Monday morning his labs were even more improved.  He was being sassy with his CNA, he was talking, etc.  He still slept a lot, but he was definitely getting better.  That evening he stopped responding quite as well as he was that morning, but I thought he was just tired.  He started having trouble breathing and I thought he might be coming down with an infection.  They put him on oxygen as a precaution.  

I remember that on Monday he said, "I love you baby" a couple of times.  He was having a hard time talking so that I could understand him because he was so tired; he would slur his words and have to repeat them.  But he said that clearly.  

I went home Monday night a little stressed and very worried, but hopeful we could turn his labs around and get him out of there.

Tuesday morning I took a shower and was blow drying my hair so that I could face what I knew would be a long day when the phone rang at about 8:30 a.m..  His doctor was calling me to tell me that over the night his oxygen saturation had dropped to below 70% because he was having difficulty breathing.  His blood pressure had also dipped to dangerous numbers.  He was now completely unresponsive.  Josh was most likely not going to make it through the day.

I called his daughter and mother to tell them the news.  Josh didn't want me to tell anyone about his being in the hospital.  I left voice mails to have them call me back.

I rushed to the hospital and Josh was now on a BIPAP to help him breathe.  His blood pressure which had been at around 114/70 the last few days was now around 90/60 with his heart rate still at around 100 (the normal rate).  

At about 11 a.m. I got a call back from his daughter and I told her the news and told her to come immediately.  I then sent a text to his mother and she called me back and I was able to tell her as well.  

Over the next 30 minutes after my calls with them I watched Josh's heart rate suddenly drop to 90 and then 80.  His blood pressure dropped quickly as well.  When it reached about 60/40 his nurse called the ICU team to have them come get him.  I grabbed my things and went into the hall and cried while they took him down to the ICU.  His daughter arrived at that time as well.

When Josh arrived to the ICU he went into cardiac arrest.  His heart was still beating but only barely.  They performed CPR on him for about 15 minutes and were able to place him on life support to keep his lungs and heart going.   

We kept him on life support while the rest of his organs started shutting down, one by one.  His pH was low, his kidneys were no longer functioning properly, etc.  We waited long enough for all of his and my family who were in Salt Lake to come visit him to say good bye.  At 8:39 p.m. I had them withdraw life support.  Within a couple of minutes my Pumpkin Prince was completely gone.

One week ago, today, was the last day I was able to hear my sweetheart tell me he loves me.  Yes, I have a couple of voice mails that I saved where he said it, but it's not quite the same.  One week ago, tomorrow, is the day my world ended.  

Feelings

Yesterday was the first day I didn't have a total meltdown.  I cried but I didn't have a screaming, crying fit.  I'm not making any promises that they're over, but it was something.  I can think a little clearer, I can remember more than one thing at a time, I have less random mood swings, and I can see more in my peripheral vision (I was quite tunnel visioned for a few days).

I am still zoning out a lot, crave being alone, easily distracted, can only do a little bit at a time and then have to stop, have very little desire to eat even though I'm hungry, feel intense sadness, feel very numb, and take forever to write one little blog post about my feelings.

I'm so tired.

Josh

I met Josh at Alorica.  He was the trainer for US Robotics.  I thought he was cute but, alas, married.  I forgot about him "that way" and went on with my life.

After a few years we both went to Fort Lauderdale for a business trip and I realized how much I liked him then but he was still married!  But then a miracle happened!  Sad for him, happy for me.  He and his wife were separating.  I flirted, he flirted back, I asked him out (never wait for a man to ask, you'll just be sad) and well, the rest was history.  I know that wasn't all the way "kosher" but I had such a connection with him.  We had a connection with each other.

Fast forward three years and we married on September 12, 2008.  If you asked Josh, he'd be able to tell you the day of our first date.  I'm terrible and it's a small miracle I can remember our anniversary or birthdays.

We married at the Salt Lake Court House with my sister, Amber, and my grandmother as witnesses.  We then went to Mad Greek and had omelets for breakfast.  :)  I had a Greek omelet and he had Ham, I believe.  Or did we both have Greek?  Dang it...

That afternoon we had a BBQ at Sugarhouse Park which was fantastic.  Low stress and relaxing.

That night my sister dropped us off at the train station where the train was running 6 or so hours late due to track construction and so we froze our booties off waiting to take the Amtrax train to San Francisco.   Worth it.  It was better than hanging out inside the building with the dozens of unshowered and undeordoranted people waiting for the train.  Plus Josh was there.

Our honeymoon (details will come in another post, likely out of order...) started in San Franscisco.  We rented a car and drove down the coast to Monterey and then to Los Angeles (visited Mark & Gemma Boone!).   We headed back through Las Vegas (visited Mark Lani!) and then home.   It was beautiful.  I'm pretty sure I already blogged about it somewhere.

Another 7 years and it went by way too fast.  The best 10 years of my life.  There have been some downs, but mostly it's been up, up, up and I credit Josh for that.  He gave me strength and I'll continue drawing on that.  Thank you baby.  I love you all the way around the world.

The ring

We haven't been able to find Josh's ring for a year or two.   We looked everywhere, or so we thought.  We knew it was in the house but it seemed to be lost forever.  I kept promising I would buy him a new one and it was on my "to do" list for this year.

I decided to clean out the coat closet today so I could put the vacuum back in there.  It's been forever since it has fit in there.  ha   Josh always said I was a hoarder and he's right.  However, the things in there were not exactly my fault.  ;O)  A failed experiment in using a homemade beer kit produces a lot of stored equipment.   

As I was pulling things out, there, on the floor, was Josh's ring.  I almost didn't know what I was looking at.  It must have fallen on the floor and then been pushed into the closet.   It was always too big for him.  He wouldn't let me properly measure his finger!  He lost his first ring in Gunnison Reservoir.  There was no hope of finding that one.  ha  Second, and final, ring he let me measure him once and said, "Yes, that's good enough."  *eye roll*   Hence the ring lost in the closet.

I haven't been wearing my rings for the last year because I've gained a little too much weight and wearing both of them is quite tight.  Just my wedding band chaffs a bit too.  I was going to lose weight and start wearing them again.  *sigh*   Of course now I'm wearing the wedding band and have been ever since Tuesday night.   It's doing fine; I should have been wearing it all year.   I'm wearing Josh's ring now too, on my pointer finger.  

I've said this a few times this last year and now I'll say it again.  Quit saying "I'll get to that" or "I'll do that later" because damn it, when it involves a loved one you need to do it NOW.  I should have learned that lesson with my grandparents who passed away on January 31, 2014.  I just barely repaired myself from that great loss and now this blow hits.  

I'm just so happy I found his ring.  I've been looking at pictures the past few days, seeing it on his hand and wishing I had it.  I don't believe in an afterlife or anything like that, but sometimes it makes you stop and wonder.  It's such an incredible coincidence.   Of course, I've been on a sporadic cleaning spree.   Josh had asked me for his birthday to clean the house - a deep, throw out things, type of clean.   I had to put it off because I was sick and then had a crazy work schedule and Josh got sick.  So now I'm doing my deep house cleaning for Josh.  I keep talking to Josh out loud while I do it.  Yes, I'm a crazy person.  I clean a little, zone out for a while, clean something else, etc.   So it makes sense that as soon as I reached the closet I'd find the ring anyway.   But it's just so...amazing.  

A beginning and an end

A path winding across the horizon
over mountains, across seas
through blue skies and gray
never ceasing, continuous.
My love for you.
 - A.J. Miller

In 2006 my then boyfriend, Josh, sent me that poem in a message.  

A short time later he sent me this:

You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you  make me happy when skies are grey
you'll never know dear
how much I love
please don' t take my sunshine away

I love you
I need to head out now
I will call you. I miss you very much.
I miss your touch

Today it is me who misses his touch.  I miss seeing him in the morning, kissing him goodbye when I left for work, his texts to let me know he's thinking about me, his smile when I get home from work, talking to him about my day, sitting next to him while we watch our nightly TV shows, holding his hand, kissing him good night and about a million other little ways he would be there in my daily life.

On Tuesday, February 17, 2015 my husband passed away.  

Five days later I fight with my emotions.  I have every appropriate feeling and thought one is supposed to have in time of mourning.  Sadness, anger, peace, fear, depression, loneliness, happiness (there's small spurts), longing, guilt and the ever present numbness.

I also zone out far too often.  That's normal, I know.  I forget things.   I get angry way too quickly.  My chest feels heavy.  I'm exhausted.  I've noticed that in the mornings I'm mostly in auto-mode; I move around and do tasks, even if they're slow.   It's the evenings that I have a hard time handling.

To help me get through this, I decided to write down my feelings, thoughts and memories.  I am not the best at keeping up with a journal or blog, but hopefully I can do this for a bit.   I feel bad whining to people all the time.  I don't want to be "down" on Facebook for crying out loud.  I don't want to make my friends feel bad for me all the time either.  Plus I would like to have my memories of Josh documented so I'll never forget what a wonderful man he was.  

Let this be my outlet!  Let others read it if they want, but this is for Josh and me.