A few of his favorite things!

I'm a bit sick today. It reminds me how Josh would drive me to the doctor and take care of me, even if it was not really a big thing. He wanted to take care of me.

My prescription isn't ready and so I went to Einstein Bagel to get some breakfast and then drove over to a parking lot to sit and eat. Josh loved Einstein. Green Chili bagel with jalapeño smear. I bought my spinach, egg and mushroom bagel sandwich but then couldn't help myself and had to buy Josh his favorite. I'll eat it later.

The parking lot I stuck myself in is in front of the Nickelcade. Josh loved this place. I absolutely hated it and wouldn't go. It's so dirty!  He enjoyed playing the games where you'd drop in your coin and a bar pushed the coins forward. He just loved getting tickets. Then he'd give his tickets to a kid or two. Sometimes I'd drop him off while I went somewhere else. Ha Every once in a while I'd go with him. :)

So now I am sitting here, wishing I would have gone with him more often and that we could go right now. Stupid regrets.

Therapy

I went to a counselor tonight. She was different than anyone I'd ever imagine visiting. She's relaxed, chatty and more like you just went to see a great friend. All of that with a concerned and knowledgeable demeanor makes a good session. She's not too "professional" either. Maybe someone could find it a bad thing to have her finish her dinner, go find a paper or answer the phone, but I liked it. It all goes back to visiting a friend rather than a doctor's office.  She's perfect.

I gave her my story. I cried a lot. She told me it's okay to have anxiety, break down and take my Xanax if I need it.  Our goal will be for me to leave my guilt and anxiety on her couch when we are done. I think we have a long way to go.

Peeps

I love Peeps.  Oh you know, those sugar coated marshmallows that's really just sugar on sugar.  

Peeps

I only eat a few each year because I'm well aware of how much I love them and can devour an entire package in one sitting.

Josh also loved Peeps.  He didn't love to eat them, oh no.  He loved to microwave them until they swelled to near the point of popping.  He'd get a huge kick out of it really.   Then he'd just throw them away.   I'd get irritated if he'd take my beloved Peeps from the one package I'd buy myself a year and "waste" them, so I'd buy him his own package to act out his serial killer tendencies on.

I mean a Peep should be enjoyed the right way.   You should start by eating off the eyes, then bite off their head, or tail, whatever tickles your fancy at the time.   After that you can nibble the rest away, slowly.   Or if you're stress eating you just shove five in your mouth in rapid succession and call it good.  This year's package may have disappeared via the stress eating method.

I give in!

I did it!  I made an appointment with a counselor.  Yes, I know, my grief and everything I'm going through is totally normal.  I've read the five or seven or mash-up stages of grief, however you want to phrase that.  blah blah blah blah blah

But I need a person who is totally neutral and detached to talk to and discuss my roller coaster of emotions.  Numb is gone and what I have now is driving me crazy.  My work and health are suffering.  If anything I just want to feel like I'm doing something.

My biggest fear is I'll have a repeat of when I saw a counselor after my mother passed away.  He was awful.  I can always walk away if I need to, right?   All I know is I need to talk to someone who I won't be dragging through the dirt with my emotions.  I have no one I can turn to for that.   Everyone I feel "safe" with either is hurting with me or they have recently gone through their own similar pain. Or I just feel like I'm putting them out by droning on, and crying, all the time.  It doesn't matter how they feel about it; it stresses me out and causes me to clam up and put on my, "I'm great!" face.

This website talks about the 7 Stages of Grief.  I don't think I want this:

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

Birds & love

When I first met Josh he didn't like birds.  His experience with them was limited to parakeet budgies or similar types that were stuck in cages and were not exactly people friendly.   Then he met my Du bird.   She's a Quaker, or Monk, parrot.  They hit it off right from the beginning and Josh immediately loved her.  Well that was until the incident.   You see he asked me, "Does she get on the ground?"  I said she didn't.  Well, she didn't!   But she decided she just had to get on the ground to be with us.  Josh and I were standing near her cage, kissing, and she snuck up behind him.   Josh took a step backwards and stepped on her.   It broke one of her feet.   From then on out Josh was mortified and scared of her.   Du could sense that fear and even though at first she kept trying to go to him, he kept pushing her away and she ended up resenting him.  

Birds are smart.  They are much smarter than any cat or dog you may keep as a pet.   The best and worst part is they remember and they hold grudges.   She grew even more bonded to me even though she had always preferred men (except for the ones who were either mean to her or scared of her) until she didn't want anything to do with Josh.  

No matter what though, Josh always loved her even if he was afraid of hurting her.   The most endearing thing was that Josh would read books to her during the day.   His favorite was to read Dr. Seuss books.  She absolutely loved it.  He would also let her groom his hair and give each other "kisses".   Du does this thing we call "french kisses" where she puts her head back and forth, from cheek to cheek, and makes kissing noises.  

When we adopted Sweetie it was a great treat to have her in the house.   Sweetie was a white and gray cockatiel.   She loved Josh and only tolerated me.   She would cuddle with Josh and Josh adored her.   They made me so happy to see them together.   Josh would read to the two of the birds together.  

A year and a half ago I decided I wanted to adopt a blue & gold macaw that had been abused and neglected by her previous owner.  Her name is Blu.   She only loves me and boy did I have to put up with quite a few hard bites to get there.   Josh made a big mistake when we first brought Blu into the house by yelling at her because she bit him.  She drew blood on Josh and he charged and yelled at her.   If you remember I said they hold grudges.  She never forgave him.   Plus she bonded to me and didn't want anything to do with him while I was there.   When I was at work or away, Blu would play with Josh and they could live together peacefully, but when I was home she would charge him and bite him.

A very dark day happened last year when I was at work.  Josh was in the shower and all of the birds were out of their cages.  Sweetie flew off her cage and into the hallway.   The problem is, the hallway is Blu's territory.   She "guards" the bathroom door whenever anyone is in there.   It didn't take long before Josh heard a scream from Sweetie.   She didn't stand a chance against the big, bad Blu.  :(   It took a very long time for Josh to forgive Blu for that.  I understand birds a lot better and get what happened even though it broke my heart.

I tried to get Josh to get another bird but he refused.  He was so afraid of Blu hurting them.  We only ended up taking in Madi, a Pionus, about 2 months ago because I insisted.  She's the bird of some friends and she needed a place to stay.   I keep all of the birds separated as much as possible.  :)

The great thing is how much Josh loved them all.  Even Blu.   He finally forgave Blu once he watched a video on wild macaws and learned the psychology of them.  He was so excited about the video he had me watch it too.  It is a great video.  He was so sweet with the little ones, especially.   I absolutely loved how he read to them.   I have the Dr. Seuss books in the bedroom and they make me smile.  I am positive the birds have noticed his disappearance from our lives.   He gave them company and love during the day.  He gave good cuddles to Madi (and Sweetie before) at night.  They all played together.  I miss all of that and I'm sure they do too.

When I go to bed at night I want to remember my loved ones who are gone.   Not a day goes by that I don't say good night to them.   Now it goes as follows, "Good night mom.  Good night grandma.  Good night grandpa.  Good night Sweetie.  I love you all....  Good night Josh.  I love you so much."

4 weeks

It's been 4 weeks. :(

Imagine

The past couple of years I knew Josh was not going to live to be old with me. Oh I wished it, but I still tried to mentally prepare myself. Unfortunately no matter how much I tried it didn't work and I'm still completely crushed and am having trouble imagining my future without him.

I know I'll live anywhere from a day to 40+ years from now. Most likely I'll have cancer in my 50s (both parents came down with different forms in their 50s, lucky me) or with the amount of anxiety I have, I'll likely have hypertension or something heart related at some point. Regardless, I had an image of Josh being there to get me through.

When I imagine that number 40 and try to think of being alone for that many years, I hear nothing but screams in my head. I can't fathom the thought of finding someone else and doubt anyone else could put up with my crazy birds. Ha. Josh loved me more than anyone could and I can't replace that.

Parks & Rec

I was sitting in a coffee shop tonight, watching Christine and her new boyfriend cuddle and be totally adorable with each other. Josh would say, "Stop that!" In fact, when I walked in I said, "Knock that off!" to them.  ha   I have to channel him sometimes.  :)

When Josh and I first started dating we couldn't tell people because we worked together.  So we kind of snuck around.  In fact, I didn't even tell my sister at first.  We waiting about a month.  Part of the reason for that was because we wanted to keep it just between us; a kind of awesome secret of our blossoming love for each other that was just ours to keep.   It was adorable.  Of course I was 30 at the time and had no business being crazy like that, but hey, you have to have fun sometimes.   Another bonus to this is it kept us from moving too fast and let us get to know each other a bit more before getting very intimate.

We would go to Smith's Food & Drug (a local grocery store) during lunch and would go to the paper plate aisle.  No one from work would go there, right?  haha   We'd steal a few kisses.  That was our "aisle" ever more.  We'd always comment, "Hey honey, it's the paper plate aisle!"  haha

We also frequented parks after work.  We'd walk around for a couple of hours or just sit on the grass and talk or kiss.   There are many parks in West Valley, Magna, Salt Lake and Sandy that I know very well.  After a month of that we finally decided to tell my sister and let our secret out a bit.  I really wanted to tell her!!  Later on Josh would say, "we went to those parks for a year!!!"   It did seem like an eternity.  I'd have to remind him that it was only a month.  One of our favorite dates later on would be to visit the parks and walk around; especially Big Bear Park in Sandy.  I've driven by there a couple of times this last month and it will never be the same.

Mood swings

I'm still really low. I've either been really sad or angry. I'm so quick to being irritated with people and I don't even want people to be nice to me. I get quickly overwhelmed at work. I wish I could just disappear for a while and not have anyone talk to me.

Fishing & Camping

A memory!

Something that Josh and I hadn't done in a while, that I really wish we would have done more of, was fish.  I absolutely love fishing and Josh actually really loved it too.  His idea of fishing was sitting on the shore, throwing out a line with bait and waiting for a bite.  If a fish bit, great.  If not, that's even better.   See he didn't want to catch a fish, he only wanted to sit on the shore with a line.   He would bend the barbs on the hook so he could either lose the fish or release it.  I'd get a little irritated because I wanted to take the fish home and eat them, but he didn't really like to eat them much.  Oh he loved salmon and halibut, but we were normally fishing for trout.   He always seemed to catch the fish too, then flip -- he'd let them go.  *sigh*  Lucky fish.

There was this lake he would take me to that wasn't in the mountains.  I can't remember what it's called but I remember that there were always tons of people there.  It was a place he'd take Christine when she was little.  We never caught anything there but I remember seeing this guy catch this huge fish and I was so jealous.  How the heck did he do that with so many people fishing the heck out of the place?  ha  Josh really liked it.

I remember one time we were at Mirror Lake and Josh walked off a bit to go smoke.  As soon as he lit up he was attacked by dozens of flies!  haha  They wanted a nicotine hit as well!  It was hilarious.  He quickly finished smoking and as soon as he put it out, the flies disappeared.  The lessons learned were 1) Don't smoke at a lake and 2) If you want to lure flies away from you, light a cigarette as a trap.  We would joke about whenever we'd go fishing or camping.

Speaking of camping, Josh really hated camping but he'd go with me because I enjoy it.  There was one condition: we had to bring an air mattress.  I remember one time we were at a friend's property near Gunnison Lake and we had an air mattress that kept losing the air.  Josh and I zipped our sleeping bags together for warmth.  Now Josh always had a problem with snoring.  Good heavens he could scare away the bears.  Plus he liked to cuddle/spoon.  So here we are with a mattress that has lost air that is pushing us even closer together, he is practically on top of me with me right on the edge of the tent/mattress and his face it directly in my ear, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ.   That was the worst night camping, ever.  I couldn't get out of his lock and was suffocating against the edge of the tent.  lol   From then on out I brought nasal spray with me and forced him to use it before bed.  :)

He would enjoy going to ICF (Inebriated Children's Fund...) too.  It's a yearly camping trip with friends.  Oh we couldn't camp, but we'd go one of the days and hang out, get drunk (okay, Josh would get drunk and I'd get tipsy, then sober up to drive home.  ha).   We didn't go this last year because Josh was sick, but we went most years.  I remember one year the trip was up this one canyon that had a dirt road that was barely wide enough for 1.5 cars.  I was driving and nearly didn't make it up (or down).  I pulled over at one turnabout and had to shake for 5 minutes until I could get the courage to keep going.  I remember Josh saying that we could go back down but I thought that was silly seeing as we'd already gone half way up anyway.   That was the worst canyon ever.   The worst, worst was when another car was coming the other direction and you had to figure out a place to go side-by-side.   Who would think this was a good idea??  lol  I am definitely not the bravest person when it comes to that.  Josh's way of making things better?   "Think of it this way.  We wouldn't live long if we fell, no long term suffering."   That does not make me feel better!!!   Thankfully it was worth it once we made it to the top.  :)   Going back down was another story...but it did seem faster.  The crazy thing was the side of the road that you had the sheer cliff on kept switching so neither way was better than the other.  Gah!

Those were good times.  :)

I can't do it

I've had a really hard time the last few days. I have things to say on here but I can't get myself to sit down and do it. I went back to work last week and it was both good and bad for me. Good to get out of the house and concentrate on other things but bad because people kept reminding me about what happened. I know people care and that's fine. It's both good and bad to hear people say they are sorry. Plus the added stress of work didn't help too much. I'm glad I did it, but I wish I didn't have a pressing work deadline that's forcing me to need to be there much more than I want or really think I can give. :(

:(

I miss him

The lawn, the lawn, the lawn is on fire!

A few years ago Josh and I were in the backyard.  I was working on our vegetable garden and Josh was burning wood.  We had a surplus of wood from a tree that had been taken down and he wanted to burn some of it.  Why?  I am not sure.  He loved to burn things.  :)

I wasn't paying much attention because I had my headphones on.  At one point I glanced over to see how things were going and I noticed that my lawn was on fire!   Two patches about a 2 meters in diameter each.   I look up and could see that Josh has a gallon of gasoline and he is throwing gas on to the fire pit.   He had accidentally splashed gas on the grass and then somehow it had caught fire as well.

I screamed out to him but he couldn't hear me because he too had headphones on.   I threw everything down on the ground and ran across the yard waving my arms.  He turned around and saw the fire.  I'm laughing and screaming "fire fire!" to him at the same time.  He throws everything down, including the gas can (ha!) and grabs the hose to put the fire out.  I yelled at him to take the gas can away from the fire pit, now!!  lol  I was still laughing though.  It was awesome.   But I was also very, very angry.  I now had two black spots on my green grass.   Why gasoline?  Again, no idea.   I told him we would burn the wood like normal human beings, at night, with no gasoline, while roasting marshmallows.

It reminds me of a story when he and his two brothers were young.  They were living in San Francisco.  One day one of his brothers (I can't remember which one now) set a field on fire.  Of course I don't think Josh or his other brother did anything to stop it, and the deed was done.  A field was burning and the boys were in trouble.  It was an ongoing joke to tease Josh and say he was the one who started the field on fire.   He always got so angry whenever his mother or anyone would say something to him.   We were all teasing him because it was quite fun to watch him get defensive.  "It was not me!"   Oh but Josh, the lawn...that was you.  :)

Everything's fine!

About a year and a half ago, maybe 2 years, I was in the office doing something.  Work?  Playing a game.  Not sure.  Anyway I heard a huge crash.  I yelled out, "Is everything okay?"   Josh replied after a couple of seconds, "Everything's fine!"

I sat there for a moment and could hear him tinkering around and decided to go out and investigate.  What I see is blood dripped from Josh's arm as he's standing over our shattered glass top kitchen table.

I exclaimed, "Everything is NOT fine!   Don't ever tell me it's 'fine' when things are obviously not!"

Josh got mad at me because he thought I was more concerned about the table instead of his well being.  No, I was definitely concerned about him, but I was also mad at him because that was not the appropriate answer when you've fallen on and broken a kitchen table and you're now bleeding all over.

Turns out there was a bag on the floor by the table and Josh had gotten his ankle wrapped in the handle and then fell right on top of the table.   He was fine, the cuts were superficial.  The table, unfortunately, was not fine.

There will be hard days

I've worked for two days this week and it's been good to be there.  It has been helping even though today was a hard day.  I realized I have been on short temper today though.  Yesterday I was really calm and nice, but today I have been picking battles with people.  Although I have been sticking up for people when it's needed.  Nobody steps all over my co-workers and friends!

People have been overly nice to me the last two days as well.  It's sweet of them, for sure.  One of my co-workers, Marc, gave me a loaf of pecan bread that is amazingly delicious and two small jars of flavored honey, elderberry honey and blackberry honey.  I shared some of the bread and honey then took the rest home to snack on.  Hmmm mmmm.  He also gave me a card that almost put me into tears...almost.

When I was getting ready to leave for home it hit me that I didn't have Josh to text to say I was on my way home.  My sister texted me earlier today as well to say she loved me and I remembered that I couldn't text Josh to tell him I love him.  I pushed down my tears and concentrated on other things to make it through.

When I arrived at home, I found that I had received my first hospital bill for Josh today.  Do they have any idea how hard that is on people?  Oh ya, that's right.  They don't care.  It's all for profit, whether you live or die.  I then opened up a card from one of his relatives that lives in Texas.  That was enough to put me into cry mode.  The stress of the day and then coming home to no Josh and the mail did me in.  It was somewhat funny because I was crying and stomping around the house, opening the packages I received today like they had done me wrong.   That tape never saw it coming.

Now Blu is sitting on my lap and wondering how she can turn me away from crying and typing to paying attention to her.  She's so thoughtful.

Never drink while on business

In 2005 (I'm pretty sure that was the year) we were in Florida and went down to the hotel bar for "a drink".  I stupidly thought I would order a double shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey and Josh did the same.  We then ordered another...and another...and oh my...another.

I've never been able to drink like that without either being incredibly sick that night or horrifyingly hung over the next day.  That night my body decided to go with option 2.

Did I mention this was a business trip?

We both went back to our hotel rooms and I remember thinking how incredibly moronic that was.  That was 8 shots of whiskey in a very short period of time, on an empty stomach.   I fell asleep a short time later.

In the morning I remember being so sick I could hardly move.  Josh brought me a coffee and a bagel but I couldn't look at them.  We drove to the office we were visiting and while we were walking across the parking lot I lost everything I had eaten or drunk from the night before.   Josh held my hair!!!    Isn't that nice?   haha   I'm in the bushes in the middle of a parking lot on the first day to meet remote co-workers and he's holding my hair.

I composed myself and when we were inside he told everyone that I had eaten something bad the night before.   Thank you Josh for saving me from having to say what we really did.

That evening it was sad because we went to a really nice restaurant and I was able to nibble on a little bit of Josh's and Joel's meals (oh ya, there were three of us on this trip ha) but there was no way I could eat a full meal.  I remember Josh got Orange Duck.  We were at a French restaurant.  I wish I could remember the name.  It was quite tasty.

Josh took care of me the entire day; he brought me water and medicine.  This experience made it so I will NEVER do that again on a business trip.   I think I was just being really stupid.  ;O)  But it was a fun evening.

Josh always took care of me though.  When I was sick, he would stay home from work to take care of me.  If I needed something he was right there to make sure it was done.  When my mother passed away in 2006 and then my grandparents in 2014, he was there to take care of the little things and be my strength when I needed it.

Food

Josh's favorite foods were BBQ and Mexican.  If he wasn't in the mood to go out to eat I knew if I dangled a BBQ place in front of him we'd be out in no time!

One of his favorite places was Q4U BBQ.  I loved them too.  Why did they ever have to close down?  Pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw on top was something he made me love as well.  I have always loved the sandwich but I had never tried it with the slaw directly on the sandwich before.  It's brilliant!  We both preferred vinegar based coleslaw as well, but in a pinch we'd accept the mayo based.  He would also get beef brisket often which is one of my favorites too.  Hmmm mmm good.

When we'd go out for Mexican he usually picked a combination platter so he could have a little of everything.  Or he'd go for a chili verde smothered bean burrito.  He also used to love making "Connie's Burritos".   They were his mom's recipe of delicious burritos with steak, chili beans and cheese.

He tried to get all of his mom's recipes that he could.   One of the favorites was what we called chicken, mushroom & swiss bready things.  What else do you call it?   It's an original but never turned out quite as good as his mom would make them.  Still, we did get them fairly close.  This was also an excuse to use Worcestershire sauce which is a staple in our house.

He loved his mother's fudge and would joke around with her that she had to make it all the time.  She makes real fudge; the good stuff.  I tried to make it once and failed miserably.  haha  I've never been good at making candies.  I can bake and cook, but candies are above me.   That's a good thing!  That meant we could get the fudge as a treat too.  One time she gave us fudge and Josh gave me one small piece and ate the rest.  I had no idea what had happened to it.   He just wiped it out.

One fun thing Josh would make sometimes was an "Egyptian Eye".  He'd take a piece of bread and cut a circle in the middle.  Put that in a frying pan and crack an egg in the middle.   Cook the egg, flip it until the egg is over-medium.  It was good.  He usually only made it for Christine but I talked him into making it for me sometimes.

Josh was lactose intolerant and could only have a small amount of milk.  He was drinking soy milk for a while until I asked him why he didn't try Lactaid.  It's the cow milk that has the lactose removed from it.  He agreed to try it and it was like he had gone to Disneyland (oh ya, he hated Disneyland... ha).  He immediately bought a bottle of Hershey's syrup and drank chocolate milk every day, multiple times per day for a while.  I tried it and it's milk, but for someone who had been drinking soy milk and not liking it for so long, I can imagine how wonderful that would be.

I have so many great memories of Josh and his favorites for food and drinks.  Earl Gray tea, ice tea, garlic burgers, club sandwiches, hefeweizen beer, super nachos, Thin Mint cookies, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Twizzler Nibs, meatball sandwiches, Philly cheesesteak, top sirloin steak, peas and mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and many more.  I'm forever going to be reminded of him every time I see a menu or go to a grocery store as most of his favorites are also mine.