Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Josh said I could do whatever I wanted with his ashes.   I remember, quite fondly, his saying that I could throw them away if I wanted.  That was Josh.

I have 5 small scattering urns.  Chrissy has 2.  We make a lot of powder.

One of Josh's paper urns

I'm currently in San Francisco which is one of the places that Josh and I went on our honeymoon in 2008.  I brought two of the small urns with me.  We were married on Sept 12.   I made sure I was here on that day.

Josh loved San Francisco.  He told me he wanted us to move here one day.  Here or Germany.  One of the places that Josh took me when we came in 2008 was to John Muir Woods.  I remember walking around for a while and taking pictures.  It was and still is absolutely beautiful and peaceful.

I decided to find a place at Muir Woods National Monument to spread one of his urns.  There were so many people there and you're not allowed to leave the trail that I was having a hard time deciding where I could have a private and secluded moment.

As I was walking, in between Bridge 3 and 4, there is a trail that branches off.   A short way up that trail is a tree called Kent Tree.  It was one of the founders of this area's favorite tree.  The tree had fallen on March 18, 2003.   

The plaque dedication to William Kent

Kent Tree

A slightly different view of Kent Tree

Another view of Kent Tree - I walked around the back

I walked up to the fallen Douglas fir and placed my hand on it.  I knew this is where I should spread his ashes.  One of the people he admired the most and that he called friend is named Kent.  Plus this is one of the founders of the woods and it was so beautiful and poetic.  This was a strong tree that had lived about 350 years and was the tallest tree in the monument, but it had finally come down.  It was just fitting.

I didn't want them to be where people would walk though, it had to be on the other side.   You aren't allowed off the trail though!   I walked around, back and forth a few times.  I took the pictures.  People walked by (not many, it's a steep trail in places) and some asked if I was alright.   Yes, definitely.  Thanks.

I thought, Josh would want me to be "bad" and break the rules.  He'd want me to go off the boardwalk and go to the other side of the tree.  The rule keeper in me justified it and said that I would clean my shoes and not step on the path to spread anything to any other tree, it would be safe.   I thought about it for far too long.   I should just DO!

And so, when no one was coming from either direction, I jumped over the fence and rushed to the other side. I almost started laughing because it really was funny.  It was raining and so I protected the urn the best I could as I pulled it out of my backpack.   I opened the lid, popped the top, told Josh I love him and started pouring.

It was coming out too slow though!  I started to panic!  I pulled out the rest of the inner lid and dumped.   Poof, a cloud flew into my face.  I did laugh this time.   I covered his ashes with dirt as I cried.   A couple came up the path and I don't think they saw me.   I stopped panicking, put everything in my backpack, told Josh that I love him again and walked out. I realized only after I had walked away that I didn't take pictures of the backside, but that's okay.

I moved a short bit away and a family came up and took pictures.  I'm really quite glad I didn't do it out where people would walk on them.  I want them to sit and then when a heavy rain comes, wash down the mountain a bit where they'll mix into the dirt.   Then I want to be able to come back another time and put my hand back on the Kent Tree and say hi.

Broken

What is wrong with me?  Seriously!!!    I keep thinking I need to pick myself up and move forward but instead I take one step out of my sad hole and get sucked back down.   Almost everything about my life is a wreck right now.  I have so many things I need to take care of and I don't have the desire and will to do them.  Nor do I have any desire to let anything help me.  I'm just ... broken.

I can 't even keep up with my memories and I have a lot of them still.

It's been a bit

I've been thinking about a few small things lately.

I have Josh's wallet sitting on my desk at home. In there is the cash he had. I can't take it out because he hated it when anyone would take money from his wallet without telling or asking him first. He just wanted to know what he had in his wallet.

Josh would have a scowl on his face quite often. It took me a while before I learned to stop asking him what was wrong all the time. He wasn't mad about things, he just didn't have the need to jump up and down with joy every second of the day. The exception to that was when I came home from work. Whether Josh was sitting on the porch or was inside the house, he would get a huge smile on his face. I made his day and no matter how bad my day was, to see him get excited, I couldn't help but smile and be happy too.

In the morning when I'd leave for work or if I was just running a quick errand, he'd see me off with a heart made with his hands.

We seldom fought and always apologized to each other no matter what the small argument was about. We were careful and kind to each other. We understood each other's faults and loved the whole package.  I can't replace that. Josh was one of a kind.

A few of his favorite things!

I'm a bit sick today. It reminds me how Josh would drive me to the doctor and take care of me, even if it was not really a big thing. He wanted to take care of me.

My prescription isn't ready and so I went to Einstein Bagel to get some breakfast and then drove over to a parking lot to sit and eat. Josh loved Einstein. Green Chili bagel with jalapeño smear. I bought my spinach, egg and mushroom bagel sandwich but then couldn't help myself and had to buy Josh his favorite. I'll eat it later.

The parking lot I stuck myself in is in front of the Nickelcade. Josh loved this place. I absolutely hated it and wouldn't go. It's so dirty!  He enjoyed playing the games where you'd drop in your coin and a bar pushed the coins forward. He just loved getting tickets. Then he'd give his tickets to a kid or two. Sometimes I'd drop him off while I went somewhere else. Ha Every once in a while I'd go with him. :)

So now I am sitting here, wishing I would have gone with him more often and that we could go right now. Stupid regrets.

Therapy

I went to a counselor tonight. She was different than anyone I'd ever imagine visiting. She's relaxed, chatty and more like you just went to see a great friend. All of that with a concerned and knowledgeable demeanor makes a good session. She's not too "professional" either. Maybe someone could find it a bad thing to have her finish her dinner, go find a paper or answer the phone, but I liked it. It all goes back to visiting a friend rather than a doctor's office.  She's perfect.

I gave her my story. I cried a lot. She told me it's okay to have anxiety, break down and take my Xanax if I need it.  Our goal will be for me to leave my guilt and anxiety on her couch when we are done. I think we have a long way to go.

Peeps

I love Peeps.  Oh you know, those sugar coated marshmallows that's really just sugar on sugar.  

Peeps

I only eat a few each year because I'm well aware of how much I love them and can devour an entire package in one sitting.

Josh also loved Peeps.  He didn't love to eat them, oh no.  He loved to microwave them until they swelled to near the point of popping.  He'd get a huge kick out of it really.   Then he'd just throw them away.   I'd get irritated if he'd take my beloved Peeps from the one package I'd buy myself a year and "waste" them, so I'd buy him his own package to act out his serial killer tendencies on.

I mean a Peep should be enjoyed the right way.   You should start by eating off the eyes, then bite off their head, or tail, whatever tickles your fancy at the time.   After that you can nibble the rest away, slowly.   Or if you're stress eating you just shove five in your mouth in rapid succession and call it good.  This year's package may have disappeared via the stress eating method.

I give in!

I did it!  I made an appointment with a counselor.  Yes, I know, my grief and everything I'm going through is totally normal.  I've read the five or seven or mash-up stages of grief, however you want to phrase that.  blah blah blah blah blah

But I need a person who is totally neutral and detached to talk to and discuss my roller coaster of emotions.  Numb is gone and what I have now is driving me crazy.  My work and health are suffering.  If anything I just want to feel like I'm doing something.

My biggest fear is I'll have a repeat of when I saw a counselor after my mother passed away.  He was awful.  I can always walk away if I need to, right?   All I know is I need to talk to someone who I won't be dragging through the dirt with my emotions.  I have no one I can turn to for that.   Everyone I feel "safe" with either is hurting with me or they have recently gone through their own similar pain. Or I just feel like I'm putting them out by droning on, and crying, all the time.  It doesn't matter how they feel about it; it stresses me out and causes me to clam up and put on my, "I'm great!" face.

This website talks about the 7 Stages of Grief.  I don't think I want this:

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.