Life is a game

My current game of choice is called Path of Exile or PoE.  Josh tried to play it with me but it wasn't his style.  He also played Diablo 3 and World of Warcraft with me (when I played them) for a bit but he didn't really love them either.

After Josh passed I created a character in PoE called Deathturtle_the_Great.  Josh's online persona was Deathturtle.  When he played PoE his character's name was Deathturtle so I couldn't use that.  DT the Great is a melee character that smashes!  That is what Josh liked.  I've played it a couple of times and enjoy thinking of Josh being there, hitting everything in his path.

The types of games he played were first person shooters or games like Grand Theft Auto.  Whenever a new GTA would come out I would "lose" him for a couple of weeks while he played the crap out of it.

He loved Portal.  I played that as well, but could not finish the game.  I still have a fondness for the Companion Cube.

Then there were the Resident Evil games.  I also attempted to play one of them but couldn't get past the first major battle.  It was the same as GTA, I'd lose him for a bit while he played the games.  haha   It was fine.  I actually would watch him play; it was pretty fun.

His favorites were Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead.   He'd get so mad at people who wouldn't play as a team and would leave others behind that he would yell at them and call them names.  haha  He could trash talk with the best.  I used to go to him for good 'comebacks' because I really can't think of things to say to people that don't have the words, "Oh ya?  Well...so do you!" in them.  I tried TF2 once...I am not a first person shooter type of gamer, that's for sure.  ;O)

Then of course there was always Rock Band.  He loved to sing even though he was tone deaf.  I still loved to hear it.  He couldn't play the instruments very well so I'd play drums or guitar while he sang and then turn off the instrument while I sang.  He just loved singing some of his favorite songs with the game.  Sometimes he'd just ask me to sing some songs because he wanted to hear my voice.

My favorite game he played was online Poker on his phone.  Not the kind for real money, of course.  He would come in and say, "Okay, honey.  We are up to 1.5 million now.  I was up to 2 million, but I lost some money.  I'm on my way back up."   We'd make jokes about what we're going to do with his gambling money.  lol

One nice thing about Josh is he understood my need to let out my stress by killing monsters and zombies in my games.  I'd have a bad day at work and he'd say, "Go kill something for a bit."  It is nice to check out and go on a killing spree in a game.  I think it keeps you from going on one in real life.  :)

Drive me crazy

As I was driving to the coffee shop today I was reminded of the times that Josh and I would drive there on Saturday evenings to see Christine sing at Open Mic.

First off, Josh hated driving, which is fine seeing as he was a terrible driver.  But when I'd drive he would continually "back seat drive" and tell me which way to go, where to turn, etc.  Except if I was making a mistake.  For some reason if I was actually going the WRONG way he'd clam up and let me do it.  Then when I'd realize I did something wrong he'd say something like, "I noticed but I wasn't going to say anything because you always get mad at me."  So frustrating!  haha  I want you to help me if I'm getting on the freeway because I'm in auto-mode to drive to work when I'm supposed to drive straight down the street to go to the coffee shop (as an example)!   There were a couple of times we'd have to drive an exit down and turn around.

Today as I was driving I got into the lane to get on the freeway, laughed, and switched out.

He loved seeing Christine play her piano and sing.  I was really sad when he started getting more isolated and depressed in the last year or so and didn't want to go out anymore.  That didn't diminish his love and pride in his daughter.  She has the voice and talent of an angel.  You could see the love in Josh's eyes whenever he spoke about her.

It was peaceful to be there today, even without him.  I could see Josh watching her sing with tears in his eyes and it brought me joy.

Books

We used to go to a bookstore once a week and meet with friends. I think it was a Barnes & Noble.  The one across the street from Fashion Place Mall in Murray.  We would go to talk, drink late night tea or coffee, then sometimes go to eat at Applebee's or Village Inn.  I don't remember why we stopped going. I know the group started to fall apart, with people moving away, but I don't fully recall. I just know that we had a good time going.

Josh always loved bookstores.  We would stop by just to look through the comic books (eh hem...graphic novels...) or to spend 30+ minutes staring at the discount book shelves.  We had a great time with the discount books and even purchased a couple.

He always loved books that were gritty, post-apocalyptic, anti-war, etc.  An example of one of his favorite books, that he read multiple times, is Johnny Got His Gun.  In fact, that was the book he was last reading.   I couldn't bring myself to read it.  He said there was a scene in it that would scar me.  I think I'll read it anyway.   It is well loved and falling apart.

He also loved American Psycho.   I remember when we flew to Florida that he was reading the novel.  He had a fascination with the psychology behind serial killers.   You could ask him about any serial killer and he could give you details about them.  Kind of creepy, eh?  I love it.   I don't think I could read that book because it would give me nightmares!  (Speaking of nightmares, watch the movie "Last Horror Movie".  You will never sleep again, and I don't get scared with movies!  I'm so glad I had Josh there to keep me from blockading myself in a corner with every weapon I could find.)

He absolutely loved William S. Burroughs.  He especially loved Naked Lunch.  I saw the movie adaptation of that book a couple of times with Josh.  Weird... but fascinating.

Another favorite of his was Kurt Vonnegut.   We have a bunch of his books on the shelves.  I read one of them.  I can't remember which one, but I remember I liked it.  There are so many!

David Sedaris was someone we both adored. We saw David once when he came to Salt Lake.  He's such a funny man.  We have David on audio book, written book, etc.   Whenever David came out with a new book I'd buy it for Josh.

While I'm thinking about it, Utah Phillips.  I know that Utah was not an author, but he was an inspirational musician, anarchist and labor organizer.  Josh admired Utah and in 2007 we were able to see him in concert.  That was a year before his passing.  Josh was so happy to have shared Utah's talents, story telling and music with me.  I am really happy he did so as well.  I loved anything that Josh loved.  Well except for some of his punk music.  Some of that stuff hurt my ears, but I still listened.  Grudgingly.  ;O)

Museums, Aquariums & Zoos

Josh loved science museums.  When we went on our honeymoon he took me to the San Francisco Exploratorium.  He was so excited to share something that he had loved as a child with me.  They have hands-on science activities for you to play with and explore.   I remember he was giddy the entire time.

When we went to Denver in 2009, he had us go to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  Again, he was all over every activity with so much excitement it was easy for me to feel his energy.  

We've been to aquariums (Monterey Bay, Downtown Aquarium in Denver and the Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy, UT) which were another thing he absolutely enjoyed.   He loved the fish and turtles.  :)   I love the sharks.  Oh and penguins.  haha  Who doesn't love penguins?

The thing he hated?   Zoos.  100% pure hatred towards zoos.  He felt that we shouldn't keep animals caged and that zoos were not the right place for them.   Sanctuaries were cool in his book, but zoos were evil.   Although he always wanted to give more money to the Hogle Zoo here in Salt Lake City because he wanted to give the animals better enclosures.  If we were going to keep them, we might as well make it as good as we could.  He also hated animals such as Dolphins and Whales being kept in captivity.

I remember when we went to Denver I wanted to go to the Denver Zoo really bad.  Josh did not.  I threw a fit until he agreed to go.  We all went (Christine was with us).   We were only there for a couple of hours before he finally said that he would not go another step further and we were leaving.  haha  I was really disappointed but at least I got to see a bit of it.

Panic Attacks

After my mother passed away I started having panic attacks.  They all centered around my dying.  Lovely.  Or I'd think about other people dying who were close to me and then I'd focus on death and panic and gah.

After my grandparents passed away I was fine.  No panic attacks.  A lot of that was because I had Josh helping out and he was so incredibly supportive.  He didn't leave me alone.  :)  My sister was also there to help out quite a bit.   I was anxious, just no panic.

Before today, with Josh, I've been fine.   This morning I woke up at 4:14 a.m. and had a small attack, but quickly relaxed.  I fell back to sleep.   I took my dad to the airport at 6:30 and when I came home at about 7:30 a.m. I had a full blown, kick me down panic attack.  My chest was hot, then my face, my heart was pounding, I was extremely light headed, I had a feeling of dread, I just KNEW I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke right then and there, but no Melissa, it's just a panic attack, but what if it isn't, oh my God I have to get out of this house, I have to talk to my sister, TEXT HER NOW!!!   WHY????  I paced in the front yard like a crazy person until Amber called me.  It was cold.

Anyway, after I woke Amber up and chatted with her for a little bit, I calmed down, I did not die, everything is fine.  I took a nap and I'm good now.  

I went to the funeral home today to have them help me with making those "important" phone calls.  They also gave me helpful advice.   They gave me a card with information about their bereavement services.  They have counselor led meetings a couple times a week you can go to and talk to other people who are going through the same thing.   I'm going to do it.   I didn't do it with my grandparents as I really didn't need it, but this time, I definitely need help.

Taco Bell Green Bean Burritos

Taco Bell used to have a "green bean burrito".  It was just a regular bean burrito but it had green sauce instead of red.  It wasn't on the regular menu here in Utah, but you could order it anyway.  When I was first getting to know Josh (way before dating) we went to Taco Bell (with some other people too) and we both ordered bean burritos with green sauce.  Something as simple as that made me like him just a little more.  He knew about the green bean burritos!  

When we first started dating he was pretty broke, so I was paying for all of our dates.  One day he said, "Let's go to Taco Bell.  I'll buy this time."   We laughed and agreed it would be fun to have him buy.  When we got there we ordered our usual favorite and then when Josh went to grab his wallet he had left it at home.  I remember how embarrassed he was because this time he was supposed to pay.   

It was an ongoing joke for us whenever we'd go to Taco Bell he would say, "Let me get this one" and would pay for it.  Sometimes we'd go out to eat to other places and at the end he'd say, "Ohhhh, sorry, I left my wallet at home..." and I'd reply, "It's okay, we're not at Taco Bell" or "I guess we'd better run for it!"

When Taco Bell stopped carrying the green sauce for their burritos we were both sad.  You can order a regular bean burrito and add your own Verde salsa to it, but it's not the same.  It's the little things you share that can mean a lot to you.

Men, am I right?

I feel better today.  Not great, but better.  It was nice today.  I had my good friend, Cinda, visit for a couple of hours this afternoon, before she flew home to California.  We ate at Tin Roof which was one of Josh's and my favorite places.  After that my dad came over and we hung out for a couple of hours and then had a quick dinner.  I drove him back to his hotel because I've been letting him borrow my extra car and he is flying home tomorrow morning.   I also saw my mother & father-in-laws for a little bit.  It was all really pleasant.

I've been talking to people about little memories of Josh.  As an example, last summer Josh and I went to Sonic to get shakes.  He really wanted a chocolate malt.  When it came out it was just a vanilla shake with a little bit of chocolate syrup and malt in there.  It really tasted like a vanilla shake.   He was so disappointed.  That man wanted a chocolate malt!  I told him we would go to Iceberg and get a real chocolate malt but he was irritated and didn't want anything.  Men, am I right?*   I told him I'd get him one another day then.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: my sister and I were out and she wanted to go to Iceberg.  Perfect!  I bought Josh a MINI chocolate malt.  Anyone who has ever been there knows that a mini malt or shake from Iceberg is huge.  haha  I brought it home and he was so very happy.   He ate half of it, put the rest in the freezer.  He saved the rest for me.  :)

* Josh used to say to me, all the time, "Women, am I right?"  lol

Today's feelings

Yesterday I was happy and content.  Today I am sad and crying.  I think that now the main work for the celebration is over, it's all crashing back in again.  I don't have any major tasks to accomplish other than house things and I don't have the desire to do them right now.

I don't want to see anyone. I barely want to talk to people.  I did just eat something but only because I have to.  I just want to sleep.

Match & eharmony

Josh and I used to joke around that we had profiles on Match and eharmony but that we kept getting matched up with each other.  I hate seeing their commercials now.

Celebration of Life

I woke up this morning feeling peace and happiness.  I stayed in bed for a couple of hours and relaxed; played on the internet.

I finally pulled myself out of bed and got ready for my first task of the day: music.  I realized my CD burner in my computer wasn't working and I needed music for tonight.  My first stop was at Graywhale.  I didn't exactly find what I needed, but I did find a couple of CDs that Josh would have loved.   Only one CD would have been suitable for public listening.  Let's see, Butthole Surfers, Agnostic Front and Social Distortion.   I love Social D, but the other two are not exactly my kind of music.  Josh would listen to a lot of punk and I would only tolerate it.  I'll listen to them for him.  :)  I've sampled both CDs and so far I'll listen to them on special occasions.  haha

Unfortunately the Social D CD was not the one I wanted and so I headed off to Walmart (it was the closest store, but I could hear Josh rolling his eyes at the thought) to look for more.  While I was looking through their selection I suddenly had a thought to call the mortuary and ask them if their music system could just have an MP3 player attached.  Hurrah, they can!   I went home with two more CDs - Johnny Cash 16 Biggest Hits (for tonight) and the Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 1 (for me).

I didn't mind the music trip because I had a fun time music shopping.  Plus one of Josh's favorite songs was Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum and I was able to get that from the Awesome Mix CD.

I drove home and made a playlist on my iPod Nano of Johnny Cash, Social Distortion Greatest Hits (a CD I already had), Spirit in the Sky and Flogging Molly's CD Drunken Lullabies.  I also put together everything I'd need to the celebration.  I then sat down to wait...

My dad arrived and I anxiously needed to do something so we drove to Taco Bell to grab some food and brought it back to my house to eat.   Then I sat down to wait... it was 3 p.m. and we didn't have to be there until 5 p.m.

At 3:30 I snapped and said I had to go.   So we drove to the mortuary and set up.  At 4:15 all was complete for our part so then it was just another sit down and wait...  ha!  I forgot my cell phones!  I left them in my other purse and my wonderful sister had to pick them up for me.

Thankfully some people started showing up around 5:10 and then more and more people.  So many people came tonight!  Most people were friends and family who knew both of us, some only knew Josh, others only me; but all that mattered was that there was a large turnout to support me, my family and celebrate my wonderful husband.  I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for that.

My friends from Alorica (Josh worked there too), my friends from IHC (they were there when we married), and my friends from HCA came.  I am so awed by that.  Those are my current job and my last two jobs.   Wow.

I was happy and strong the entire time, until near the end.  It was very overwhelming.  I started to get anxious and close to tears a few times.  I gathered as many hugs as possible from people.

The best part of the evening was the Zombie cake, made by the great and wonderful Michelle.

Seriously...

I love it.

We also had tacos and three other cakes that Michelle made (chocolate w/ peanut butter icing, vanilla w/ vanilla icing, and red velvet w/ cream cheese icing).  Hmmm mmmmm..  

I went home and put everything away.  I pulled out the cards that people brought and read through them.  I finally allowed myself to let out a good cleansing cry, wiped my eyes and remembered I'm wearing makeup.  Fudge pickles.  At least I waited until I was home for that mess.  *sigh*

Questions

I work at the hospital where Josh passed away.  How am I ever going to step foot in there again?  How will I go to the second floor?  How will I look at the CCU doors?  How will I walk past the waiting room?  How will I ever look anyone who cared for him in the eyes again?

One week ago

I am sitting on the couch for the first time in a week, watching the nightly TV shows we would watch together.  It's weird to look over and have the rest of the couch be empty.  I laughed at the shows and thought Josh would have loved to laugh too.

The last week of January is when Josh started to get sick again.  I asked him to go to the hospital at that time and he refused.  He wasn't too bad, just...getting there.

Over the next couple of weeks I watched him slide downhill.  I knew I couldn't force him to go to the hospital or see a doctor.  He didn't want to go this time.  He hated doctors and hated the hospital even more. I knew it was his liver again and he didn't want to accept it.   He felt that if he just rested, drank lots of water/Gatorade and gave it some time that he would get better on his own.   Plus I think that he just wanted to hold out as long as possible before having to go through the hell of another hospital visit.

On Saturday, February 14, I woke up and knew I had to convince Josh to go to the hospital.   His ammonia levels were obviously getting high and he was getting more and more incoherent. I argued with him, cried when he said he wouldn't go and ran to our bedroom to pout and regroup.   After a couple of minutes he called out my name and I came back, still angry with him.  He said he would go.  I was so happy and relieved.

He walked into the hospital ER, just like any other time, but within just a couple of hours he was suddenly worse than I had ever seen him before.  His lab work was terrifying, he was mostly unresponsive and he looked horrible.  The staff was surprised that he had actually walked into the hospital on his own with how bad he was.

The next day (Sunday), he was better.  Still not terrific, but better.   The doctor warned me that he was really bad and his prognosis wasn't great, but he still had a chance.

Monday morning his labs were even more improved.  He was being sassy with his CNA, he was talking, etc.  He still slept a lot, but he was definitely getting better.  That evening he stopped responding quite as well as he was that morning, but I thought he was just tired.  He started having trouble breathing and I thought he might be coming down with an infection.  They put him on oxygen as a precaution.  

I remember that on Monday he said, "I love you baby" a couple of times.  He was having a hard time talking so that I could understand him because he was so tired; he would slur his words and have to repeat them.  But he said that clearly.  

I went home Monday night a little stressed and very worried, but hopeful we could turn his labs around and get him out of there.

Tuesday morning I took a shower and was blow drying my hair so that I could face what I knew would be a long day when the phone rang at about 8:30 a.m..  His doctor was calling me to tell me that over the night his oxygen saturation had dropped to below 70% because he was having difficulty breathing.  His blood pressure had also dipped to dangerous numbers.  He was now completely unresponsive.  Josh was most likely not going to make it through the day.

I called his daughter and mother to tell them the news.  Josh didn't want me to tell anyone about his being in the hospital.  I left voice mails to have them call me back.

I rushed to the hospital and Josh was now on a BIPAP to help him breathe.  His blood pressure which had been at around 114/70 the last few days was now around 90/60 with his heart rate still at around 100 (the normal rate).  

At about 11 a.m. I got a call back from his daughter and I told her the news and told her to come immediately.  I then sent a text to his mother and she called me back and I was able to tell her as well.  

Over the next 30 minutes after my calls with them I watched Josh's heart rate suddenly drop to 90 and then 80.  His blood pressure dropped quickly as well.  When it reached about 60/40 his nurse called the ICU team to have them come get him.  I grabbed my things and went into the hall and cried while they took him down to the ICU.  His daughter arrived at that time as well.

When Josh arrived to the ICU he went into cardiac arrest.  His heart was still beating but only barely.  They performed CPR on him for about 15 minutes and were able to place him on life support to keep his lungs and heart going.   

We kept him on life support while the rest of his organs started shutting down, one by one.  His pH was low, his kidneys were no longer functioning properly, etc.  We waited long enough for all of his and my family who were in Salt Lake to come visit him to say good bye.  At 8:39 p.m. I had them withdraw life support.  Within a couple of minutes my Pumpkin Prince was completely gone.

One week ago, today, was the last day I was able to hear my sweetheart tell me he loves me.  Yes, I have a couple of voice mails that I saved where he said it, but it's not quite the same.  One week ago, tomorrow, is the day my world ended.  

Feelings

Yesterday was the first day I didn't have a total meltdown.  I cried but I didn't have a screaming, crying fit.  I'm not making any promises that they're over, but it was something.  I can think a little clearer, I can remember more than one thing at a time, I have less random mood swings, and I can see more in my peripheral vision (I was quite tunnel visioned for a few days).

I am still zoning out a lot, crave being alone, easily distracted, can only do a little bit at a time and then have to stop, have very little desire to eat even though I'm hungry, feel intense sadness, feel very numb, and take forever to write one little blog post about my feelings.

I'm so tired.

Josh

I met Josh at Alorica.  He was the trainer for US Robotics.  I thought he was cute but, alas, married.  I forgot about him "that way" and went on with my life.

After a few years we both went to Fort Lauderdale for a business trip and I realized how much I liked him then but he was still married!  But then a miracle happened!  Sad for him, happy for me.  He and his wife were separating.  I flirted, he flirted back, I asked him out (never wait for a man to ask, you'll just be sad) and well, the rest was history.  I know that wasn't all the way "kosher" but I had such a connection with him.  We had a connection with each other.

Fast forward three years and we married on September 12, 2008.  If you asked Josh, he'd be able to tell you the day of our first date.  I'm terrible and it's a small miracle I can remember our anniversary or birthdays.

We married at the Salt Lake Court House with my sister, Amber, and my grandmother as witnesses.  We then went to Mad Greek and had omelets for breakfast.  :)  I had a Greek omelet and he had Ham, I believe.  Or did we both have Greek?  Dang it...

That afternoon we had a BBQ at Sugarhouse Park which was fantastic.  Low stress and relaxing.

That night my sister dropped us off at the train station where the train was running 6 or so hours late due to track construction and so we froze our booties off waiting to take the Amtrax train to San Francisco.   Worth it.  It was better than hanging out inside the building with the dozens of unshowered and undeordoranted people waiting for the train.  Plus Josh was there.

Our honeymoon (details will come in another post, likely out of order...) started in San Franscisco.  We rented a car and drove down the coast to Monterey and then to Los Angeles (visited Mark & Gemma Boone!).   We headed back through Las Vegas (visited Mark Lani!) and then home.   It was beautiful.  I'm pretty sure I already blogged about it somewhere.

Another 7 years and it went by way too fast.  The best 10 years of my life.  There have been some downs, but mostly it's been up, up, up and I credit Josh for that.  He gave me strength and I'll continue drawing on that.  Thank you baby.  I love you all the way around the world.

The ring

We haven't been able to find Josh's ring for a year or two.   We looked everywhere, or so we thought.  We knew it was in the house but it seemed to be lost forever.  I kept promising I would buy him a new one and it was on my "to do" list for this year.

I decided to clean out the coat closet today so I could put the vacuum back in there.  It's been forever since it has fit in there.  ha   Josh always said I was a hoarder and he's right.  However, the things in there were not exactly my fault.  ;O)  A failed experiment in using a homemade beer kit produces a lot of stored equipment.   

As I was pulling things out, there, on the floor, was Josh's ring.  I almost didn't know what I was looking at.  It must have fallen on the floor and then been pushed into the closet.   It was always too big for him.  He wouldn't let me properly measure his finger!  He lost his first ring in Gunnison Reservoir.  There was no hope of finding that one.  ha  Second, and final, ring he let me measure him once and said, "Yes, that's good enough."  *eye roll*   Hence the ring lost in the closet.

I haven't been wearing my rings for the last year because I've gained a little too much weight and wearing both of them is quite tight.  Just my wedding band chaffs a bit too.  I was going to lose weight and start wearing them again.  *sigh*   Of course now I'm wearing the wedding band and have been ever since Tuesday night.   It's doing fine; I should have been wearing it all year.   I'm wearing Josh's ring now too, on my pointer finger.  

I've said this a few times this last year and now I'll say it again.  Quit saying "I'll get to that" or "I'll do that later" because damn it, when it involves a loved one you need to do it NOW.  I should have learned that lesson with my grandparents who passed away on January 31, 2014.  I just barely repaired myself from that great loss and now this blow hits.  

I'm just so happy I found his ring.  I've been looking at pictures the past few days, seeing it on his hand and wishing I had it.  I don't believe in an afterlife or anything like that, but sometimes it makes you stop and wonder.  It's such an incredible coincidence.   Of course, I've been on a sporadic cleaning spree.   Josh had asked me for his birthday to clean the house - a deep, throw out things, type of clean.   I had to put it off because I was sick and then had a crazy work schedule and Josh got sick.  So now I'm doing my deep house cleaning for Josh.  I keep talking to Josh out loud while I do it.  Yes, I'm a crazy person.  I clean a little, zone out for a while, clean something else, etc.   So it makes sense that as soon as I reached the closet I'd find the ring anyway.   But it's just so...amazing.  

A beginning and an end

A path winding across the horizon
over mountains, across seas
through blue skies and gray
never ceasing, continuous.
My love for you.
 - A.J. Miller

In 2006 my then boyfriend, Josh, sent me that poem in a message.  

A short time later he sent me this:

You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you  make me happy when skies are grey
you'll never know dear
how much I love
please don' t take my sunshine away

I love you
I need to head out now
I will call you. I miss you very much.
I miss your touch

Today it is me who misses his touch.  I miss seeing him in the morning, kissing him goodbye when I left for work, his texts to let me know he's thinking about me, his smile when I get home from work, talking to him about my day, sitting next to him while we watch our nightly TV shows, holding his hand, kissing him good night and about a million other little ways he would be there in my daily life.

On Tuesday, February 17, 2015 my husband passed away.  

Five days later I fight with my emotions.  I have every appropriate feeling and thought one is supposed to have in time of mourning.  Sadness, anger, peace, fear, depression, loneliness, happiness (there's small spurts), longing, guilt and the ever present numbness.

I also zone out far too often.  That's normal, I know.  I forget things.   I get angry way too quickly.  My chest feels heavy.  I'm exhausted.  I've noticed that in the mornings I'm mostly in auto-mode; I move around and do tasks, even if they're slow.   It's the evenings that I have a hard time handling.

To help me get through this, I decided to write down my feelings, thoughts and memories.  I am not the best at keeping up with a journal or blog, but hopefully I can do this for a bit.   I feel bad whining to people all the time.  I don't want to be "down" on Facebook for crying out loud.  I don't want to make my friends feel bad for me all the time either.  Plus I would like to have my memories of Josh documented so I'll never forget what a wonderful man he was.  

Let this be my outlet!  Let others read it if they want, but this is for Josh and me.