One week ago

I am sitting on the couch for the first time in a week, watching the nightly TV shows we would watch together.  It's weird to look over and have the rest of the couch be empty.  I laughed at the shows and thought Josh would have loved to laugh too.

The last week of January is when Josh started to get sick again.  I asked him to go to the hospital at that time and he refused.  He wasn't too bad, just...getting there.

Over the next couple of weeks I watched him slide downhill.  I knew I couldn't force him to go to the hospital or see a doctor.  He didn't want to go this time.  He hated doctors and hated the hospital even more. I knew it was his liver again and he didn't want to accept it.   He felt that if he just rested, drank lots of water/Gatorade and gave it some time that he would get better on his own.   Plus I think that he just wanted to hold out as long as possible before having to go through the hell of another hospital visit.

On Saturday, February 14, I woke up and knew I had to convince Josh to go to the hospital.   His ammonia levels were obviously getting high and he was getting more and more incoherent. I argued with him, cried when he said he wouldn't go and ran to our bedroom to pout and regroup.   After a couple of minutes he called out my name and I came back, still angry with him.  He said he would go.  I was so happy and relieved.

He walked into the hospital ER, just like any other time, but within just a couple of hours he was suddenly worse than I had ever seen him before.  His lab work was terrifying, he was mostly unresponsive and he looked horrible.  The staff was surprised that he had actually walked into the hospital on his own with how bad he was.

The next day (Sunday), he was better.  Still not terrific, but better.   The doctor warned me that he was really bad and his prognosis wasn't great, but he still had a chance.

Monday morning his labs were even more improved.  He was being sassy with his CNA, he was talking, etc.  He still slept a lot, but he was definitely getting better.  That evening he stopped responding quite as well as he was that morning, but I thought he was just tired.  He started having trouble breathing and I thought he might be coming down with an infection.  They put him on oxygen as a precaution.  

I remember that on Monday he said, "I love you baby" a couple of times.  He was having a hard time talking so that I could understand him because he was so tired; he would slur his words and have to repeat them.  But he said that clearly.  

I went home Monday night a little stressed and very worried, but hopeful we could turn his labs around and get him out of there.

Tuesday morning I took a shower and was blow drying my hair so that I could face what I knew would be a long day when the phone rang at about 8:30 a.m..  His doctor was calling me to tell me that over the night his oxygen saturation had dropped to below 70% because he was having difficulty breathing.  His blood pressure had also dipped to dangerous numbers.  He was now completely unresponsive.  Josh was most likely not going to make it through the day.

I called his daughter and mother to tell them the news.  Josh didn't want me to tell anyone about his being in the hospital.  I left voice mails to have them call me back.

I rushed to the hospital and Josh was now on a BIPAP to help him breathe.  His blood pressure which had been at around 114/70 the last few days was now around 90/60 with his heart rate still at around 100 (the normal rate).  

At about 11 a.m. I got a call back from his daughter and I told her the news and told her to come immediately.  I then sent a text to his mother and she called me back and I was able to tell her as well.  

Over the next 30 minutes after my calls with them I watched Josh's heart rate suddenly drop to 90 and then 80.  His blood pressure dropped quickly as well.  When it reached about 60/40 his nurse called the ICU team to have them come get him.  I grabbed my things and went into the hall and cried while they took him down to the ICU.  His daughter arrived at that time as well.

When Josh arrived to the ICU he went into cardiac arrest.  His heart was still beating but only barely.  They performed CPR on him for about 15 minutes and were able to place him on life support to keep his lungs and heart going.   

We kept him on life support while the rest of his organs started shutting down, one by one.  His pH was low, his kidneys were no longer functioning properly, etc.  We waited long enough for all of his and my family who were in Salt Lake to come visit him to say good bye.  At 8:39 p.m. I had them withdraw life support.  Within a couple of minutes my Pumpkin Prince was completely gone.

One week ago, today, was the last day I was able to hear my sweetheart tell me he loves me.  Yes, I have a couple of voice mails that I saved where he said it, but it's not quite the same.  One week ago, tomorrow, is the day my world ended.