A beginning and an end

A path winding across the horizon
over mountains, across seas
through blue skies and gray
never ceasing, continuous.
My love for you.
 - A.J. Miller

In 2006 my then boyfriend, Josh, sent me that poem in a message.  

A short time later he sent me this:

You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you  make me happy when skies are grey
you'll never know dear
how much I love
please don' t take my sunshine away

I love you
I need to head out now
I will call you. I miss you very much.
I miss your touch

Today it is me who misses his touch.  I miss seeing him in the morning, kissing him goodbye when I left for work, his texts to let me know he's thinking about me, his smile when I get home from work, talking to him about my day, sitting next to him while we watch our nightly TV shows, holding his hand, kissing him good night and about a million other little ways he would be there in my daily life.

On Tuesday, February 17, 2015 my husband passed away.  

Five days later I fight with my emotions.  I have every appropriate feeling and thought one is supposed to have in time of mourning.  Sadness, anger, peace, fear, depression, loneliness, happiness (there's small spurts), longing, guilt and the ever present numbness.

I also zone out far too often.  That's normal, I know.  I forget things.   I get angry way too quickly.  My chest feels heavy.  I'm exhausted.  I've noticed that in the mornings I'm mostly in auto-mode; I move around and do tasks, even if they're slow.   It's the evenings that I have a hard time handling.

To help me get through this, I decided to write down my feelings, thoughts and memories.  I am not the best at keeping up with a journal or blog, but hopefully I can do this for a bit.   I feel bad whining to people all the time.  I don't want to be "down" on Facebook for crying out loud.  I don't want to make my friends feel bad for me all the time either.  Plus I would like to have my memories of Josh documented so I'll never forget what a wonderful man he was.  

Let this be my outlet!  Let others read it if they want, but this is for Josh and me.