It's been a bit

I've been thinking about a few small things lately.

I have Josh's wallet sitting on my desk at home. In there is the cash he had. I can't take it out because he hated it when anyone would take money from his wallet without telling or asking him first. He just wanted to know what he had in his wallet.

Josh would have a scowl on his face quite often. It took me a while before I learned to stop asking him what was wrong all the time. He wasn't mad about things, he just didn't have the need to jump up and down with joy every second of the day. The exception to that was when I came home from work. Whether Josh was sitting on the porch or was inside the house, he would get a huge smile on his face. I made his day and no matter how bad my day was, to see him get excited, I couldn't help but smile and be happy too.

In the morning when I'd leave for work or if I was just running a quick errand, he'd see me off with a heart made with his hands.

We seldom fought and always apologized to each other no matter what the small argument was about. We were careful and kind to each other. We understood each other's faults and loved the whole package.  I can't replace that. Josh was one of a kind.

A few of his favorite things!

I'm a bit sick today. It reminds me how Josh would drive me to the doctor and take care of me, even if it was not really a big thing. He wanted to take care of me.

My prescription isn't ready and so I went to Einstein Bagel to get some breakfast and then drove over to a parking lot to sit and eat. Josh loved Einstein. Green Chili bagel with jalapeño smear. I bought my spinach, egg and mushroom bagel sandwich but then couldn't help myself and had to buy Josh his favorite. I'll eat it later.

The parking lot I stuck myself in is in front of the Nickelcade. Josh loved this place. I absolutely hated it and wouldn't go. It's so dirty!  He enjoyed playing the games where you'd drop in your coin and a bar pushed the coins forward. He just loved getting tickets. Then he'd give his tickets to a kid or two. Sometimes I'd drop him off while I went somewhere else. Ha Every once in a while I'd go with him. :)

So now I am sitting here, wishing I would have gone with him more often and that we could go right now. Stupid regrets.

Peeps

I love Peeps.  Oh you know, those sugar coated marshmallows that's really just sugar on sugar.  

Peeps

I only eat a few each year because I'm well aware of how much I love them and can devour an entire package in one sitting.

Josh also loved Peeps.  He didn't love to eat them, oh no.  He loved to microwave them until they swelled to near the point of popping.  He'd get a huge kick out of it really.   Then he'd just throw them away.   I'd get irritated if he'd take my beloved Peeps from the one package I'd buy myself a year and "waste" them, so I'd buy him his own package to act out his serial killer tendencies on.

I mean a Peep should be enjoyed the right way.   You should start by eating off the eyes, then bite off their head, or tail, whatever tickles your fancy at the time.   After that you can nibble the rest away, slowly.   Or if you're stress eating you just shove five in your mouth in rapid succession and call it good.  This year's package may have disappeared via the stress eating method.

Birds & love

When I first met Josh he didn't like birds.  His experience with them was limited to parakeet budgies or similar types that were stuck in cages and were not exactly people friendly.   Then he met my Du bird.   She's a Quaker, or Monk, parrot.  They hit it off right from the beginning and Josh immediately loved her.  Well that was until the incident.   You see he asked me, "Does she get on the ground?"  I said she didn't.  Well, she didn't!   But she decided she just had to get on the ground to be with us.  Josh and I were standing near her cage, kissing, and she snuck up behind him.   Josh took a step backwards and stepped on her.   It broke one of her feet.   From then on out Josh was mortified and scared of her.   Du could sense that fear and even though at first she kept trying to go to him, he kept pushing her away and she ended up resenting him.  

Birds are smart.  They are much smarter than any cat or dog you may keep as a pet.   The best and worst part is they remember and they hold grudges.   She grew even more bonded to me even though she had always preferred men (except for the ones who were either mean to her or scared of her) until she didn't want anything to do with Josh.  

No matter what though, Josh always loved her even if he was afraid of hurting her.   The most endearing thing was that Josh would read books to her during the day.   His favorite was to read Dr. Seuss books.  She absolutely loved it.  He would also let her groom his hair and give each other "kisses".   Du does this thing we call "french kisses" where she puts her head back and forth, from cheek to cheek, and makes kissing noises.  

When we adopted Sweetie it was a great treat to have her in the house.   Sweetie was a white and gray cockatiel.   She loved Josh and only tolerated me.   She would cuddle with Josh and Josh adored her.   They made me so happy to see them together.   Josh would read to the two of the birds together.  

A year and a half ago I decided I wanted to adopt a blue & gold macaw that had been abused and neglected by her previous owner.  Her name is Blu.   She only loves me and boy did I have to put up with quite a few hard bites to get there.   Josh made a big mistake when we first brought Blu into the house by yelling at her because she bit him.  She drew blood on Josh and he charged and yelled at her.   If you remember I said they hold grudges.  She never forgave him.   Plus she bonded to me and didn't want anything to do with him while I was there.   When I was at work or away, Blu would play with Josh and they could live together peacefully, but when I was home she would charge him and bite him.

A very dark day happened last year when I was at work.  Josh was in the shower and all of the birds were out of their cages.  Sweetie flew off her cage and into the hallway.   The problem is, the hallway is Blu's territory.   She "guards" the bathroom door whenever anyone is in there.   It didn't take long before Josh heard a scream from Sweetie.   She didn't stand a chance against the big, bad Blu.  :(   It took a very long time for Josh to forgive Blu for that.  I understand birds a lot better and get what happened even though it broke my heart.

I tried to get Josh to get another bird but he refused.  He was so afraid of Blu hurting them.  We only ended up taking in Madi, a Pionus, about 2 months ago because I insisted.  She's the bird of some friends and she needed a place to stay.   I keep all of the birds separated as much as possible.  :)

The great thing is how much Josh loved them all.  Even Blu.   He finally forgave Blu once he watched a video on wild macaws and learned the psychology of them.  He was so excited about the video he had me watch it too.  It is a great video.  He was so sweet with the little ones, especially.   I absolutely loved how he read to them.   I have the Dr. Seuss books in the bedroom and they make me smile.  I am positive the birds have noticed his disappearance from our lives.   He gave them company and love during the day.  He gave good cuddles to Madi (and Sweetie before) at night.  They all played together.  I miss all of that and I'm sure they do too.

When I go to bed at night I want to remember my loved ones who are gone.   Not a day goes by that I don't say good night to them.   Now it goes as follows, "Good night mom.  Good night grandma.  Good night grandpa.  Good night Sweetie.  I love you all....  Good night Josh.  I love you so much."

Parks & Rec

I was sitting in a coffee shop tonight, watching Christine and her new boyfriend cuddle and be totally adorable with each other. Josh would say, "Stop that!" In fact, when I walked in I said, "Knock that off!" to them.  ha   I have to channel him sometimes.  :)

When Josh and I first started dating we couldn't tell people because we worked together.  So we kind of snuck around.  In fact, I didn't even tell my sister at first.  We waiting about a month.  Part of the reason for that was because we wanted to keep it just between us; a kind of awesome secret of our blossoming love for each other that was just ours to keep.   It was adorable.  Of course I was 30 at the time and had no business being crazy like that, but hey, you have to have fun sometimes.   Another bonus to this is it kept us from moving too fast and let us get to know each other a bit more before getting very intimate.

We would go to Smith's Food & Drug (a local grocery store) during lunch and would go to the paper plate aisle.  No one from work would go there, right?  haha   We'd steal a few kisses.  That was our "aisle" ever more.  We'd always comment, "Hey honey, it's the paper plate aisle!"  haha

We also frequented parks after work.  We'd walk around for a couple of hours or just sit on the grass and talk or kiss.   There are many parks in West Valley, Magna, Salt Lake and Sandy that I know very well.  After a month of that we finally decided to tell my sister and let our secret out a bit.  I really wanted to tell her!!  Later on Josh would say, "we went to those parks for a year!!!"   It did seem like an eternity.  I'd have to remind him that it was only a month.  One of our favorite dates later on would be to visit the parks and walk around; especially Big Bear Park in Sandy.  I've driven by there a couple of times this last month and it will never be the same.

Fishing & Camping

A memory!

Something that Josh and I hadn't done in a while, that I really wish we would have done more of, was fish.  I absolutely love fishing and Josh actually really loved it too.  His idea of fishing was sitting on the shore, throwing out a line with bait and waiting for a bite.  If a fish bit, great.  If not, that's even better.   See he didn't want to catch a fish, he only wanted to sit on the shore with a line.   He would bend the barbs on the hook so he could either lose the fish or release it.  I'd get a little irritated because I wanted to take the fish home and eat them, but he didn't really like to eat them much.  Oh he loved salmon and halibut, but we were normally fishing for trout.   He always seemed to catch the fish too, then flip -- he'd let them go.  *sigh*  Lucky fish.

There was this lake he would take me to that wasn't in the mountains.  I can't remember what it's called but I remember that there were always tons of people there.  It was a place he'd take Christine when she was little.  We never caught anything there but I remember seeing this guy catch this huge fish and I was so jealous.  How the heck did he do that with so many people fishing the heck out of the place?  ha  Josh really liked it.

I remember one time we were at Mirror Lake and Josh walked off a bit to go smoke.  As soon as he lit up he was attacked by dozens of flies!  haha  They wanted a nicotine hit as well!  It was hilarious.  He quickly finished smoking and as soon as he put it out, the flies disappeared.  The lessons learned were 1) Don't smoke at a lake and 2) If you want to lure flies away from you, light a cigarette as a trap.  We would joke about whenever we'd go fishing or camping.

Speaking of camping, Josh really hated camping but he'd go with me because I enjoy it.  There was one condition: we had to bring an air mattress.  I remember one time we were at a friend's property near Gunnison Lake and we had an air mattress that kept losing the air.  Josh and I zipped our sleeping bags together for warmth.  Now Josh always had a problem with snoring.  Good heavens he could scare away the bears.  Plus he liked to cuddle/spoon.  So here we are with a mattress that has lost air that is pushing us even closer together, he is practically on top of me with me right on the edge of the tent/mattress and his face it directly in my ear, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ.   That was the worst night camping, ever.  I couldn't get out of his lock and was suffocating against the edge of the tent.  lol   From then on out I brought nasal spray with me and forced him to use it before bed.  :)

He would enjoy going to ICF (Inebriated Children's Fund...) too.  It's a yearly camping trip with friends.  Oh we couldn't camp, but we'd go one of the days and hang out, get drunk (okay, Josh would get drunk and I'd get tipsy, then sober up to drive home.  ha).   We didn't go this last year because Josh was sick, but we went most years.  I remember one year the trip was up this one canyon that had a dirt road that was barely wide enough for 1.5 cars.  I was driving and nearly didn't make it up (or down).  I pulled over at one turnabout and had to shake for 5 minutes until I could get the courage to keep going.  I remember Josh saying that we could go back down but I thought that was silly seeing as we'd already gone half way up anyway.   That was the worst canyon ever.   The worst, worst was when another car was coming the other direction and you had to figure out a place to go side-by-side.   Who would think this was a good idea??  lol  I am definitely not the bravest person when it comes to that.  Josh's way of making things better?   "Think of it this way.  We wouldn't live long if we fell, no long term suffering."   That does not make me feel better!!!   Thankfully it was worth it once we made it to the top.  :)   Going back down was another story...but it did seem faster.  The crazy thing was the side of the road that you had the sheer cliff on kept switching so neither way was better than the other.  Gah!

Those were good times.  :)

The lawn, the lawn, the lawn is on fire!

A few years ago Josh and I were in the backyard.  I was working on our vegetable garden and Josh was burning wood.  We had a surplus of wood from a tree that had been taken down and he wanted to burn some of it.  Why?  I am not sure.  He loved to burn things.  :)

I wasn't paying much attention because I had my headphones on.  At one point I glanced over to see how things were going and I noticed that my lawn was on fire!   Two patches about a 2 meters in diameter each.   I look up and could see that Josh has a gallon of gasoline and he is throwing gas on to the fire pit.   He had accidentally splashed gas on the grass and then somehow it had caught fire as well.

I screamed out to him but he couldn't hear me because he too had headphones on.   I threw everything down on the ground and ran across the yard waving my arms.  He turned around and saw the fire.  I'm laughing and screaming "fire fire!" to him at the same time.  He throws everything down, including the gas can (ha!) and grabs the hose to put the fire out.  I yelled at him to take the gas can away from the fire pit, now!!  lol  I was still laughing though.  It was awesome.   But I was also very, very angry.  I now had two black spots on my green grass.   Why gasoline?  Again, no idea.   I told him we would burn the wood like normal human beings, at night, with no gasoline, while roasting marshmallows.

It reminds me of a story when he and his two brothers were young.  They were living in San Francisco.  One day one of his brothers (I can't remember which one now) set a field on fire.  Of course I don't think Josh or his other brother did anything to stop it, and the deed was done.  A field was burning and the boys were in trouble.  It was an ongoing joke to tease Josh and say he was the one who started the field on fire.   He always got so angry whenever his mother or anyone would say something to him.   We were all teasing him because it was quite fun to watch him get defensive.  "It was not me!"   Oh but Josh, the lawn...that was you.  :)

Everything's fine!

About a year and a half ago, maybe 2 years, I was in the office doing something.  Work?  Playing a game.  Not sure.  Anyway I heard a huge crash.  I yelled out, "Is everything okay?"   Josh replied after a couple of seconds, "Everything's fine!"

I sat there for a moment and could hear him tinkering around and decided to go out and investigate.  What I see is blood dripped from Josh's arm as he's standing over our shattered glass top kitchen table.

I exclaimed, "Everything is NOT fine!   Don't ever tell me it's 'fine' when things are obviously not!"

Josh got mad at me because he thought I was more concerned about the table instead of his well being.  No, I was definitely concerned about him, but I was also mad at him because that was not the appropriate answer when you've fallen on and broken a kitchen table and you're now bleeding all over.

Turns out there was a bag on the floor by the table and Josh had gotten his ankle wrapped in the handle and then fell right on top of the table.   He was fine, the cuts were superficial.  The table, unfortunately, was not fine.

Never drink while on business

In 2005 (I'm pretty sure that was the year) we were in Florida and went down to the hotel bar for "a drink".  I stupidly thought I would order a double shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey and Josh did the same.  We then ordered another...and another...and oh my...another.

I've never been able to drink like that without either being incredibly sick that night or horrifyingly hung over the next day.  That night my body decided to go with option 2.

Did I mention this was a business trip?

We both went back to our hotel rooms and I remember thinking how incredibly moronic that was.  That was 8 shots of whiskey in a very short period of time, on an empty stomach.   I fell asleep a short time later.

In the morning I remember being so sick I could hardly move.  Josh brought me a coffee and a bagel but I couldn't look at them.  We drove to the office we were visiting and while we were walking across the parking lot I lost everything I had eaten or drunk from the night before.   Josh held my hair!!!    Isn't that nice?   haha   I'm in the bushes in the middle of a parking lot on the first day to meet remote co-workers and he's holding my hair.

I composed myself and when we were inside he told everyone that I had eaten something bad the night before.   Thank you Josh for saving me from having to say what we really did.

That evening it was sad because we went to a really nice restaurant and I was able to nibble on a little bit of Josh's and Joel's meals (oh ya, there were three of us on this trip ha) but there was no way I could eat a full meal.  I remember Josh got Orange Duck.  We were at a French restaurant.  I wish I could remember the name.  It was quite tasty.

Josh took care of me the entire day; he brought me water and medicine.  This experience made it so I will NEVER do that again on a business trip.   I think I was just being really stupid.  ;O)  But it was a fun evening.

Josh always took care of me though.  When I was sick, he would stay home from work to take care of me.  If I needed something he was right there to make sure it was done.  When my mother passed away in 2006 and then my grandparents in 2014, he was there to take care of the little things and be my strength when I needed it.

Food

Josh's favorite foods were BBQ and Mexican.  If he wasn't in the mood to go out to eat I knew if I dangled a BBQ place in front of him we'd be out in no time!

One of his favorite places was Q4U BBQ.  I loved them too.  Why did they ever have to close down?  Pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw on top was something he made me love as well.  I have always loved the sandwich but I had never tried it with the slaw directly on the sandwich before.  It's brilliant!  We both preferred vinegar based coleslaw as well, but in a pinch we'd accept the mayo based.  He would also get beef brisket often which is one of my favorites too.  Hmmm mmm good.

When we'd go out for Mexican he usually picked a combination platter so he could have a little of everything.  Or he'd go for a chili verde smothered bean burrito.  He also used to love making "Connie's Burritos".   They were his mom's recipe of delicious burritos with steak, chili beans and cheese.

He tried to get all of his mom's recipes that he could.   One of the favorites was what we called chicken, mushroom & swiss bready things.  What else do you call it?   It's an original but never turned out quite as good as his mom would make them.  Still, we did get them fairly close.  This was also an excuse to use Worcestershire sauce which is a staple in our house.

He loved his mother's fudge and would joke around with her that she had to make it all the time.  She makes real fudge; the good stuff.  I tried to make it once and failed miserably.  haha  I've never been good at making candies.  I can bake and cook, but candies are above me.   That's a good thing!  That meant we could get the fudge as a treat too.  One time she gave us fudge and Josh gave me one small piece and ate the rest.  I had no idea what had happened to it.   He just wiped it out.

One fun thing Josh would make sometimes was an "Egyptian Eye".  He'd take a piece of bread and cut a circle in the middle.  Put that in a frying pan and crack an egg in the middle.   Cook the egg, flip it until the egg is over-medium.  It was good.  He usually only made it for Christine but I talked him into making it for me sometimes.

Josh was lactose intolerant and could only have a small amount of milk.  He was drinking soy milk for a while until I asked him why he didn't try Lactaid.  It's the cow milk that has the lactose removed from it.  He agreed to try it and it was like he had gone to Disneyland (oh ya, he hated Disneyland... ha).  He immediately bought a bottle of Hershey's syrup and drank chocolate milk every day, multiple times per day for a while.  I tried it and it's milk, but for someone who had been drinking soy milk and not liking it for so long, I can imagine how wonderful that would be.

I have so many great memories of Josh and his favorites for food and drinks.  Earl Gray tea, ice tea, garlic burgers, club sandwiches, hefeweizen beer, super nachos, Thin Mint cookies, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Twizzler Nibs, meatball sandwiches, Philly cheesesteak, top sirloin steak, peas and mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and many more.  I'm forever going to be reminded of him every time I see a menu or go to a grocery store as most of his favorites are also mine.

Life is a game

My current game of choice is called Path of Exile or PoE.  Josh tried to play it with me but it wasn't his style.  He also played Diablo 3 and World of Warcraft with me (when I played them) for a bit but he didn't really love them either.

After Josh passed I created a character in PoE called Deathturtle_the_Great.  Josh's online persona was Deathturtle.  When he played PoE his character's name was Deathturtle so I couldn't use that.  DT the Great is a melee character that smashes!  That is what Josh liked.  I've played it a couple of times and enjoy thinking of Josh being there, hitting everything in his path.

The types of games he played were first person shooters or games like Grand Theft Auto.  Whenever a new GTA would come out I would "lose" him for a couple of weeks while he played the crap out of it.

He loved Portal.  I played that as well, but could not finish the game.  I still have a fondness for the Companion Cube.

Then there were the Resident Evil games.  I also attempted to play one of them but couldn't get past the first major battle.  It was the same as GTA, I'd lose him for a bit while he played the games.  haha   It was fine.  I actually would watch him play; it was pretty fun.

His favorites were Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead.   He'd get so mad at people who wouldn't play as a team and would leave others behind that he would yell at them and call them names.  haha  He could trash talk with the best.  I used to go to him for good 'comebacks' because I really can't think of things to say to people that don't have the words, "Oh ya?  Well...so do you!" in them.  I tried TF2 once...I am not a first person shooter type of gamer, that's for sure.  ;O)

Then of course there was always Rock Band.  He loved to sing even though he was tone deaf.  I still loved to hear it.  He couldn't play the instruments very well so I'd play drums or guitar while he sang and then turn off the instrument while I sang.  He just loved singing some of his favorite songs with the game.  Sometimes he'd just ask me to sing some songs because he wanted to hear my voice.

My favorite game he played was online Poker on his phone.  Not the kind for real money, of course.  He would come in and say, "Okay, honey.  We are up to 1.5 million now.  I was up to 2 million, but I lost some money.  I'm on my way back up."   We'd make jokes about what we're going to do with his gambling money.  lol

One nice thing about Josh is he understood my need to let out my stress by killing monsters and zombies in my games.  I'd have a bad day at work and he'd say, "Go kill something for a bit."  It is nice to check out and go on a killing spree in a game.  I think it keeps you from going on one in real life.  :)

Drive me crazy

As I was driving to the coffee shop today I was reminded of the times that Josh and I would drive there on Saturday evenings to see Christine sing at Open Mic.

First off, Josh hated driving, which is fine seeing as he was a terrible driver.  But when I'd drive he would continually "back seat drive" and tell me which way to go, where to turn, etc.  Except if I was making a mistake.  For some reason if I was actually going the WRONG way he'd clam up and let me do it.  Then when I'd realize I did something wrong he'd say something like, "I noticed but I wasn't going to say anything because you always get mad at me."  So frustrating!  haha  I want you to help me if I'm getting on the freeway because I'm in auto-mode to drive to work when I'm supposed to drive straight down the street to go to the coffee shop (as an example)!   There were a couple of times we'd have to drive an exit down and turn around.

Today as I was driving I got into the lane to get on the freeway, laughed, and switched out.

He loved seeing Christine play her piano and sing.  I was really sad when he started getting more isolated and depressed in the last year or so and didn't want to go out anymore.  That didn't diminish his love and pride in his daughter.  She has the voice and talent of an angel.  You could see the love in Josh's eyes whenever he spoke about her.

It was peaceful to be there today, even without him.  I could see Josh watching her sing with tears in his eyes and it brought me joy.

Books

We used to go to a bookstore once a week and meet with friends. I think it was a Barnes & Noble.  The one across the street from Fashion Place Mall in Murray.  We would go to talk, drink late night tea or coffee, then sometimes go to eat at Applebee's or Village Inn.  I don't remember why we stopped going. I know the group started to fall apart, with people moving away, but I don't fully recall. I just know that we had a good time going.

Josh always loved bookstores.  We would stop by just to look through the comic books (eh hem...graphic novels...) or to spend 30+ minutes staring at the discount book shelves.  We had a great time with the discount books and even purchased a couple.

He always loved books that were gritty, post-apocalyptic, anti-war, etc.  An example of one of his favorite books, that he read multiple times, is Johnny Got His Gun.  In fact, that was the book he was last reading.   I couldn't bring myself to read it.  He said there was a scene in it that would scar me.  I think I'll read it anyway.   It is well loved and falling apart.

He also loved American Psycho.   I remember when we flew to Florida that he was reading the novel.  He had a fascination with the psychology behind serial killers.   You could ask him about any serial killer and he could give you details about them.  Kind of creepy, eh?  I love it.   I don't think I could read that book because it would give me nightmares!  (Speaking of nightmares, watch the movie "Last Horror Movie".  You will never sleep again, and I don't get scared with movies!  I'm so glad I had Josh there to keep me from blockading myself in a corner with every weapon I could find.)

He absolutely loved William S. Burroughs.  He especially loved Naked Lunch.  I saw the movie adaptation of that book a couple of times with Josh.  Weird... but fascinating.

Another favorite of his was Kurt Vonnegut.   We have a bunch of his books on the shelves.  I read one of them.  I can't remember which one, but I remember I liked it.  There are so many!

David Sedaris was someone we both adored. We saw David once when he came to Salt Lake.  He's such a funny man.  We have David on audio book, written book, etc.   Whenever David came out with a new book I'd buy it for Josh.

While I'm thinking about it, Utah Phillips.  I know that Utah was not an author, but he was an inspirational musician, anarchist and labor organizer.  Josh admired Utah and in 2007 we were able to see him in concert.  That was a year before his passing.  Josh was so happy to have shared Utah's talents, story telling and music with me.  I am really happy he did so as well.  I loved anything that Josh loved.  Well except for some of his punk music.  Some of that stuff hurt my ears, but I still listened.  Grudgingly.  ;O)

Museums, Aquariums & Zoos

Josh loved science museums.  When we went on our honeymoon he took me to the San Francisco Exploratorium.  He was so excited to share something that he had loved as a child with me.  They have hands-on science activities for you to play with and explore.   I remember he was giddy the entire time.

When we went to Denver in 2009, he had us go to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  Again, he was all over every activity with so much excitement it was easy for me to feel his energy.  

We've been to aquariums (Monterey Bay, Downtown Aquarium in Denver and the Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy, UT) which were another thing he absolutely enjoyed.   He loved the fish and turtles.  :)   I love the sharks.  Oh and penguins.  haha  Who doesn't love penguins?

The thing he hated?   Zoos.  100% pure hatred towards zoos.  He felt that we shouldn't keep animals caged and that zoos were not the right place for them.   Sanctuaries were cool in his book, but zoos were evil.   Although he always wanted to give more money to the Hogle Zoo here in Salt Lake City because he wanted to give the animals better enclosures.  If we were going to keep them, we might as well make it as good as we could.  He also hated animals such as Dolphins and Whales being kept in captivity.

I remember when we went to Denver I wanted to go to the Denver Zoo really bad.  Josh did not.  I threw a fit until he agreed to go.  We all went (Christine was with us).   We were only there for a couple of hours before he finally said that he would not go another step further and we were leaving.  haha  I was really disappointed but at least I got to see a bit of it.

Taco Bell Green Bean Burritos

Taco Bell used to have a "green bean burrito".  It was just a regular bean burrito but it had green sauce instead of red.  It wasn't on the regular menu here in Utah, but you could order it anyway.  When I was first getting to know Josh (way before dating) we went to Taco Bell (with some other people too) and we both ordered bean burritos with green sauce.  Something as simple as that made me like him just a little more.  He knew about the green bean burritos!  

When we first started dating he was pretty broke, so I was paying for all of our dates.  One day he said, "Let's go to Taco Bell.  I'll buy this time."   We laughed and agreed it would be fun to have him buy.  When we got there we ordered our usual favorite and then when Josh went to grab his wallet he had left it at home.  I remember how embarrassed he was because this time he was supposed to pay.   

It was an ongoing joke for us whenever we'd go to Taco Bell he would say, "Let me get this one" and would pay for it.  Sometimes we'd go out to eat to other places and at the end he'd say, "Ohhhh, sorry, I left my wallet at home..." and I'd reply, "It's okay, we're not at Taco Bell" or "I guess we'd better run for it!"

When Taco Bell stopped carrying the green sauce for their burritos we were both sad.  You can order a regular bean burrito and add your own Verde salsa to it, but it's not the same.  It's the little things you share that can mean a lot to you.

Men, am I right?

I feel better today.  Not great, but better.  It was nice today.  I had my good friend, Cinda, visit for a couple of hours this afternoon, before she flew home to California.  We ate at Tin Roof which was one of Josh's and my favorite places.  After that my dad came over and we hung out for a couple of hours and then had a quick dinner.  I drove him back to his hotel because I've been letting him borrow my extra car and he is flying home tomorrow morning.   I also saw my mother & father-in-laws for a little bit.  It was all really pleasant.

I've been talking to people about little memories of Josh.  As an example, last summer Josh and I went to Sonic to get shakes.  He really wanted a chocolate malt.  When it came out it was just a vanilla shake with a little bit of chocolate syrup and malt in there.  It really tasted like a vanilla shake.   He was so disappointed.  That man wanted a chocolate malt!  I told him we would go to Iceberg and get a real chocolate malt but he was irritated and didn't want anything.  Men, am I right?*   I told him I'd get him one another day then.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: my sister and I were out and she wanted to go to Iceberg.  Perfect!  I bought Josh a MINI chocolate malt.  Anyone who has ever been there knows that a mini malt or shake from Iceberg is huge.  haha  I brought it home and he was so very happy.   He ate half of it, put the rest in the freezer.  He saved the rest for me.  :)

* Josh used to say to me, all the time, "Women, am I right?"  lol

Match & eharmony

Josh and I used to joke around that we had profiles on Match and eharmony but that we kept getting matched up with each other.  I hate seeing their commercials now.

Celebration of Life

I woke up this morning feeling peace and happiness.  I stayed in bed for a couple of hours and relaxed; played on the internet.

I finally pulled myself out of bed and got ready for my first task of the day: music.  I realized my CD burner in my computer wasn't working and I needed music for tonight.  My first stop was at Graywhale.  I didn't exactly find what I needed, but I did find a couple of CDs that Josh would have loved.   Only one CD would have been suitable for public listening.  Let's see, Butthole Surfers, Agnostic Front and Social Distortion.   I love Social D, but the other two are not exactly my kind of music.  Josh would listen to a lot of punk and I would only tolerate it.  I'll listen to them for him.  :)  I've sampled both CDs and so far I'll listen to them on special occasions.  haha

Unfortunately the Social D CD was not the one I wanted and so I headed off to Walmart (it was the closest store, but I could hear Josh rolling his eyes at the thought) to look for more.  While I was looking through their selection I suddenly had a thought to call the mortuary and ask them if their music system could just have an MP3 player attached.  Hurrah, they can!   I went home with two more CDs - Johnny Cash 16 Biggest Hits (for tonight) and the Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 1 (for me).

I didn't mind the music trip because I had a fun time music shopping.  Plus one of Josh's favorite songs was Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum and I was able to get that from the Awesome Mix CD.

I drove home and made a playlist on my iPod Nano of Johnny Cash, Social Distortion Greatest Hits (a CD I already had), Spirit in the Sky and Flogging Molly's CD Drunken Lullabies.  I also put together everything I'd need to the celebration.  I then sat down to wait...

My dad arrived and I anxiously needed to do something so we drove to Taco Bell to grab some food and brought it back to my house to eat.   Then I sat down to wait... it was 3 p.m. and we didn't have to be there until 5 p.m.

At 3:30 I snapped and said I had to go.   So we drove to the mortuary and set up.  At 4:15 all was complete for our part so then it was just another sit down and wait...  ha!  I forgot my cell phones!  I left them in my other purse and my wonderful sister had to pick them up for me.

Thankfully some people started showing up around 5:10 and then more and more people.  So many people came tonight!  Most people were friends and family who knew both of us, some only knew Josh, others only me; but all that mattered was that there was a large turnout to support me, my family and celebrate my wonderful husband.  I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for that.

My friends from Alorica (Josh worked there too), my friends from IHC (they were there when we married), and my friends from HCA came.  I am so awed by that.  Those are my current job and my last two jobs.   Wow.

I was happy and strong the entire time, until near the end.  It was very overwhelming.  I started to get anxious and close to tears a few times.  I gathered as many hugs as possible from people.

The best part of the evening was the Zombie cake, made by the great and wonderful Michelle.

Seriously...

I love it.

We also had tacos and three other cakes that Michelle made (chocolate w/ peanut butter icing, vanilla w/ vanilla icing, and red velvet w/ cream cheese icing).  Hmmm mmmmm..  

I went home and put everything away.  I pulled out the cards that people brought and read through them.  I finally allowed myself to let out a good cleansing cry, wiped my eyes and remembered I'm wearing makeup.  Fudge pickles.  At least I waited until I was home for that mess.  *sigh*

One week ago

I am sitting on the couch for the first time in a week, watching the nightly TV shows we would watch together.  It's weird to look over and have the rest of the couch be empty.  I laughed at the shows and thought Josh would have loved to laugh too.

The last week of January is when Josh started to get sick again.  I asked him to go to the hospital at that time and he refused.  He wasn't too bad, just...getting there.

Over the next couple of weeks I watched him slide downhill.  I knew I couldn't force him to go to the hospital or see a doctor.  He didn't want to go this time.  He hated doctors and hated the hospital even more. I knew it was his liver again and he didn't want to accept it.   He felt that if he just rested, drank lots of water/Gatorade and gave it some time that he would get better on his own.   Plus I think that he just wanted to hold out as long as possible before having to go through the hell of another hospital visit.

On Saturday, February 14, I woke up and knew I had to convince Josh to go to the hospital.   His ammonia levels were obviously getting high and he was getting more and more incoherent. I argued with him, cried when he said he wouldn't go and ran to our bedroom to pout and regroup.   After a couple of minutes he called out my name and I came back, still angry with him.  He said he would go.  I was so happy and relieved.

He walked into the hospital ER, just like any other time, but within just a couple of hours he was suddenly worse than I had ever seen him before.  His lab work was terrifying, he was mostly unresponsive and he looked horrible.  The staff was surprised that he had actually walked into the hospital on his own with how bad he was.

The next day (Sunday), he was better.  Still not terrific, but better.   The doctor warned me that he was really bad and his prognosis wasn't great, but he still had a chance.

Monday morning his labs were even more improved.  He was being sassy with his CNA, he was talking, etc.  He still slept a lot, but he was definitely getting better.  That evening he stopped responding quite as well as he was that morning, but I thought he was just tired.  He started having trouble breathing and I thought he might be coming down with an infection.  They put him on oxygen as a precaution.  

I remember that on Monday he said, "I love you baby" a couple of times.  He was having a hard time talking so that I could understand him because he was so tired; he would slur his words and have to repeat them.  But he said that clearly.  

I went home Monday night a little stressed and very worried, but hopeful we could turn his labs around and get him out of there.

Tuesday morning I took a shower and was blow drying my hair so that I could face what I knew would be a long day when the phone rang at about 8:30 a.m..  His doctor was calling me to tell me that over the night his oxygen saturation had dropped to below 70% because he was having difficulty breathing.  His blood pressure had also dipped to dangerous numbers.  He was now completely unresponsive.  Josh was most likely not going to make it through the day.

I called his daughter and mother to tell them the news.  Josh didn't want me to tell anyone about his being in the hospital.  I left voice mails to have them call me back.

I rushed to the hospital and Josh was now on a BIPAP to help him breathe.  His blood pressure which had been at around 114/70 the last few days was now around 90/60 with his heart rate still at around 100 (the normal rate).  

At about 11 a.m. I got a call back from his daughter and I told her the news and told her to come immediately.  I then sent a text to his mother and she called me back and I was able to tell her as well.  

Over the next 30 minutes after my calls with them I watched Josh's heart rate suddenly drop to 90 and then 80.  His blood pressure dropped quickly as well.  When it reached about 60/40 his nurse called the ICU team to have them come get him.  I grabbed my things and went into the hall and cried while they took him down to the ICU.  His daughter arrived at that time as well.

When Josh arrived to the ICU he went into cardiac arrest.  His heart was still beating but only barely.  They performed CPR on him for about 15 minutes and were able to place him on life support to keep his lungs and heart going.   

We kept him on life support while the rest of his organs started shutting down, one by one.  His pH was low, his kidneys were no longer functioning properly, etc.  We waited long enough for all of his and my family who were in Salt Lake to come visit him to say good bye.  At 8:39 p.m. I had them withdraw life support.  Within a couple of minutes my Pumpkin Prince was completely gone.

One week ago, today, was the last day I was able to hear my sweetheart tell me he loves me.  Yes, I have a couple of voice mails that I saved where he said it, but it's not quite the same.  One week ago, tomorrow, is the day my world ended.  

Josh

I met Josh at Alorica.  He was the trainer for US Robotics.  I thought he was cute but, alas, married.  I forgot about him "that way" and went on with my life.

After a few years we both went to Fort Lauderdale for a business trip and I realized how much I liked him then but he was still married!  But then a miracle happened!  Sad for him, happy for me.  He and his wife were separating.  I flirted, he flirted back, I asked him out (never wait for a man to ask, you'll just be sad) and well, the rest was history.  I know that wasn't all the way "kosher" but I had such a connection with him.  We had a connection with each other.

Fast forward three years and we married on September 12, 2008.  If you asked Josh, he'd be able to tell you the day of our first date.  I'm terrible and it's a small miracle I can remember our anniversary or birthdays.

We married at the Salt Lake Court House with my sister, Amber, and my grandmother as witnesses.  We then went to Mad Greek and had omelets for breakfast.  :)  I had a Greek omelet and he had Ham, I believe.  Or did we both have Greek?  Dang it...

That afternoon we had a BBQ at Sugarhouse Park which was fantastic.  Low stress and relaxing.

That night my sister dropped us off at the train station where the train was running 6 or so hours late due to track construction and so we froze our booties off waiting to take the Amtrax train to San Francisco.   Worth it.  It was better than hanging out inside the building with the dozens of unshowered and undeordoranted people waiting for the train.  Plus Josh was there.

Our honeymoon (details will come in another post, likely out of order...) started in San Franscisco.  We rented a car and drove down the coast to Monterey and then to Los Angeles (visited Mark & Gemma Boone!).   We headed back through Las Vegas (visited Mark Lani!) and then home.   It was beautiful.  I'm pretty sure I already blogged about it somewhere.

Another 7 years and it went by way too fast.  The best 10 years of my life.  There have been some downs, but mostly it's been up, up, up and I credit Josh for that.  He gave me strength and I'll continue drawing on that.  Thank you baby.  I love you all the way around the world.