Broken

What is wrong with me?  Seriously!!!    I keep thinking I need to pick myself up and move forward but instead I take one step out of my sad hole and get sucked back down.   Almost everything about my life is a wreck right now.  I have so many things I need to take care of and I don't have the desire and will to do them.  Nor do I have any desire to let anything help me.  I'm just ... broken.

I can 't even keep up with my memories and I have a lot of them still.

It's been a bit

I've been thinking about a few small things lately.

I have Josh's wallet sitting on my desk at home. In there is the cash he had. I can't take it out because he hated it when anyone would take money from his wallet without telling or asking him first. He just wanted to know what he had in his wallet.

Josh would have a scowl on his face quite often. It took me a while before I learned to stop asking him what was wrong all the time. He wasn't mad about things, he just didn't have the need to jump up and down with joy every second of the day. The exception to that was when I came home from work. Whether Josh was sitting on the porch or was inside the house, he would get a huge smile on his face. I made his day and no matter how bad my day was, to see him get excited, I couldn't help but smile and be happy too.

In the morning when I'd leave for work or if I was just running a quick errand, he'd see me off with a heart made with his hands.

We seldom fought and always apologized to each other no matter what the small argument was about. We were careful and kind to each other. We understood each other's faults and loved the whole package.  I can't replace that. Josh was one of a kind.

A few of his favorite things!

I'm a bit sick today. It reminds me how Josh would drive me to the doctor and take care of me, even if it was not really a big thing. He wanted to take care of me.

My prescription isn't ready and so I went to Einstein Bagel to get some breakfast and then drove over to a parking lot to sit and eat. Josh loved Einstein. Green Chili bagel with jalapeño smear. I bought my spinach, egg and mushroom bagel sandwich but then couldn't help myself and had to buy Josh his favorite. I'll eat it later.

The parking lot I stuck myself in is in front of the Nickelcade. Josh loved this place. I absolutely hated it and wouldn't go. It's so dirty!  He enjoyed playing the games where you'd drop in your coin and a bar pushed the coins forward. He just loved getting tickets. Then he'd give his tickets to a kid or two. Sometimes I'd drop him off while I went somewhere else. Ha Every once in a while I'd go with him. :)

So now I am sitting here, wishing I would have gone with him more often and that we could go right now. Stupid regrets.

Therapy

I went to a counselor tonight. She was different than anyone I'd ever imagine visiting. She's relaxed, chatty and more like you just went to see a great friend. All of that with a concerned and knowledgeable demeanor makes a good session. She's not too "professional" either. Maybe someone could find it a bad thing to have her finish her dinner, go find a paper or answer the phone, but I liked it. It all goes back to visiting a friend rather than a doctor's office.  She's perfect.

I gave her my story. I cried a lot. She told me it's okay to have anxiety, break down and take my Xanax if I need it.  Our goal will be for me to leave my guilt and anxiety on her couch when we are done. I think we have a long way to go.

Peeps

I love Peeps.  Oh you know, those sugar coated marshmallows that's really just sugar on sugar.  

Peeps

I only eat a few each year because I'm well aware of how much I love them and can devour an entire package in one sitting.

Josh also loved Peeps.  He didn't love to eat them, oh no.  He loved to microwave them until they swelled to near the point of popping.  He'd get a huge kick out of it really.   Then he'd just throw them away.   I'd get irritated if he'd take my beloved Peeps from the one package I'd buy myself a year and "waste" them, so I'd buy him his own package to act out his serial killer tendencies on.

I mean a Peep should be enjoyed the right way.   You should start by eating off the eyes, then bite off their head, or tail, whatever tickles your fancy at the time.   After that you can nibble the rest away, slowly.   Or if you're stress eating you just shove five in your mouth in rapid succession and call it good.  This year's package may have disappeared via the stress eating method.

I give in!

I did it!  I made an appointment with a counselor.  Yes, I know, my grief and everything I'm going through is totally normal.  I've read the five or seven or mash-up stages of grief, however you want to phrase that.  blah blah blah blah blah

But I need a person who is totally neutral and detached to talk to and discuss my roller coaster of emotions.  Numb is gone and what I have now is driving me crazy.  My work and health are suffering.  If anything I just want to feel like I'm doing something.

My biggest fear is I'll have a repeat of when I saw a counselor after my mother passed away.  He was awful.  I can always walk away if I need to, right?   All I know is I need to talk to someone who I won't be dragging through the dirt with my emotions.  I have no one I can turn to for that.   Everyone I feel "safe" with either is hurting with me or they have recently gone through their own similar pain. Or I just feel like I'm putting them out by droning on, and crying, all the time.  It doesn't matter how they feel about it; it stresses me out and causes me to clam up and put on my, "I'm great!" face.

This website talks about the 7 Stages of Grief.  I don't think I want this:

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

Birds & love

When I first met Josh he didn't like birds.  His experience with them was limited to parakeet budgies or similar types that were stuck in cages and were not exactly people friendly.   Then he met my Du bird.   She's a Quaker, or Monk, parrot.  They hit it off right from the beginning and Josh immediately loved her.  Well that was until the incident.   You see he asked me, "Does she get on the ground?"  I said she didn't.  Well, she didn't!   But she decided she just had to get on the ground to be with us.  Josh and I were standing near her cage, kissing, and she snuck up behind him.   Josh took a step backwards and stepped on her.   It broke one of her feet.   From then on out Josh was mortified and scared of her.   Du could sense that fear and even though at first she kept trying to go to him, he kept pushing her away and she ended up resenting him.  

Birds are smart.  They are much smarter than any cat or dog you may keep as a pet.   The best and worst part is they remember and they hold grudges.   She grew even more bonded to me even though she had always preferred men (except for the ones who were either mean to her or scared of her) until she didn't want anything to do with Josh.  

No matter what though, Josh always loved her even if he was afraid of hurting her.   The most endearing thing was that Josh would read books to her during the day.   His favorite was to read Dr. Seuss books.  She absolutely loved it.  He would also let her groom his hair and give each other "kisses".   Du does this thing we call "french kisses" where she puts her head back and forth, from cheek to cheek, and makes kissing noises.  

When we adopted Sweetie it was a great treat to have her in the house.   Sweetie was a white and gray cockatiel.   She loved Josh and only tolerated me.   She would cuddle with Josh and Josh adored her.   They made me so happy to see them together.   Josh would read to the two of the birds together.  

A year and a half ago I decided I wanted to adopt a blue & gold macaw that had been abused and neglected by her previous owner.  Her name is Blu.   She only loves me and boy did I have to put up with quite a few hard bites to get there.   Josh made a big mistake when we first brought Blu into the house by yelling at her because she bit him.  She drew blood on Josh and he charged and yelled at her.   If you remember I said they hold grudges.  She never forgave him.   Plus she bonded to me and didn't want anything to do with him while I was there.   When I was at work or away, Blu would play with Josh and they could live together peacefully, but when I was home she would charge him and bite him.

A very dark day happened last year when I was at work.  Josh was in the shower and all of the birds were out of their cages.  Sweetie flew off her cage and into the hallway.   The problem is, the hallway is Blu's territory.   She "guards" the bathroom door whenever anyone is in there.   It didn't take long before Josh heard a scream from Sweetie.   She didn't stand a chance against the big, bad Blu.  :(   It took a very long time for Josh to forgive Blu for that.  I understand birds a lot better and get what happened even though it broke my heart.

I tried to get Josh to get another bird but he refused.  He was so afraid of Blu hurting them.  We only ended up taking in Madi, a Pionus, about 2 months ago because I insisted.  She's the bird of some friends and she needed a place to stay.   I keep all of the birds separated as much as possible.  :)

The great thing is how much Josh loved them all.  Even Blu.   He finally forgave Blu once he watched a video on wild macaws and learned the psychology of them.  He was so excited about the video he had me watch it too.  It is a great video.  He was so sweet with the little ones, especially.   I absolutely loved how he read to them.   I have the Dr. Seuss books in the bedroom and they make me smile.  I am positive the birds have noticed his disappearance from our lives.   He gave them company and love during the day.  He gave good cuddles to Madi (and Sweetie before) at night.  They all played together.  I miss all of that and I'm sure they do too.

When I go to bed at night I want to remember my loved ones who are gone.   Not a day goes by that I don't say good night to them.   Now it goes as follows, "Good night mom.  Good night grandma.  Good night grandpa.  Good night Sweetie.  I love you all....  Good night Josh.  I love you so much."